• the truth about how it is over here

    i invited women from our church over to our home tonight. women who are foster and/or adoptive moms. i invited them over because i’ve been doing this thing for a few years now and i’ve learned quite a bit. and i felt the Lord was leading me to get these ladies together so we could start to connect and support and encourage one another. company at 8:45pm means littles in bed at 8:00pm. right before 7:00pm things were getting a little out of control. some of it typical kid stuff, some of it because all of our kids are working through their trauma. at around 7:05pm i started to fall…

  • start writing

    lots of stories to tell. lots of thoughts to share. people tell me i should write things down. my response is always the same-i don’t have time. i came to the conclusion that when God had planned for me to write, He’d let me know. i was on a retreat last weekend and He gave me a list of things to write about. apparently it’s time. so i’ve spent some time updating my site during the day while my toddlers are watching a show, when i spill a bag of chips on the counter and the computer, during basketball practice for my six year old, or after all of the…

  • year 17

    “we’d like you to meet our oldest son someday,” they said. “ok,” i replied. i barely knew them.  and i had no idea who he was. two years passed. and then we met, this son of theirs and i. he came to volunteer at a church jr. high event that i was leading.  and he was silly and goofy and obnoxious and cute and also a little mysterious.  and the kids loved him.  and he made me smile.  and he made me laugh.  but, he was seeing someone. i had just graduated from college.  i was looking for a full~time job.  i was contemplating moving to connecticut with my sister.…

  • today i’m 41

    in june 2014 a baby boy was born, a sibling to the kiddos we were fostering at the time. he was born on my birthday and we were open to having him placed with us if need be. the court placed him with relatives. we thought that part of the story was over, but six weeks later, he came to live with us. in june 2015 we were preparing to lose him. in march i lost my faith. but in june i got it back, even though we made a transition plan for him to leave us. we celebrated his first birthday, and my 39th, and the next day he…

  • tomorrow is mother’s day and all i want is some time alone

    tomorrow is mother’s day and all i want is some time alone to try to process this life i’m living. so i’m at panera. i am sitting here physically on my own, but I’m never really alone. a break is never really a break. time away is never really time away. because they don’t leave my mind, these kids of mine. because they are tethered to my heart. because they are wounded and somehow, some way i’m supposed to be a part of they’re healing. and in the process i’m being wounded too. because i have asked Him many times to break my heart for what breaks His. and He…