the more bonded i become to our children, the more i grieve their past. have i written about this before?? oh well, i am sure it won’t be the last time. i am sure actually, that it will be an issue i deal with for the rest of, well, forever.
thursday night after i put the kids to bed(josh was at Bible study. not sure why it matters to write that, but it paints the picture, me being alone in the house with three sleepy babies.) and i started to think about what it might be like to meet their mom someday. to share pictures with her of them growing up. to tell her of the life they have lived. and i thought about her wondering about them all that time. wondering if they were safe, healthy, loved. even though she couldn’t provide those things for them, i am sure she wants them to have them. and in the midst of my thoughts, i just fell apart. there is something so absolutely beautiful in our adoption of these children. and something so horribly sad at the same time.
i just couldn’t stop crying. the loss of their biological family, and the gain of a new family. how does it all equal out? i know there is no definitive answer. i know it is simple to understand, and yet way beyond my understanding. i know that this is how it is supposed to be, yet i also wish, in some ways, that it wasn’t this way. i would never want to be without our children, but i wish that their family could have held it together.
and my heart is broken already for when my children go through grieving their past. it is something they will do at some point in time. i am okay with that. i am great with that. but it is just so sad. we don’t have anything from their past. nothing that came with them from their parents. i can’t show them what they looked like when they were babies, we have no pictures. i can’t tell them what it was like the day they were born, i wasn’t there. i can’t tell them about their first birthdays, i didn’t know them then. i found a dave thomas adoption foundation ad in a magazine that pictured a beautiful bi-racial boy and said “you may have missed my first words, but i’ll make it up to you.” and our children already have. but knowing that we’ll never know the true start of their lives, and that they won’t either, just digs a little bit of a hole in my heart.
yes, i have the rest of their lives to watch. to get to know them. i’ll see things that their biological parents won’t. but does that matter? that’s not what it’s all about. it’s not a “nana nana boo boo” game. i think both sides lose. yes, we gain more, as in a lifetime to share. but there is loss for us in the beginning, and loss for them in the rest of time. and our kids gain all the way around, and lose all the way around at the same time.
i am not trying to be dark and sad. this is just one of the realities of adoption. one that i think for me will cause a breakdown every once in awhile. one for me that keeps me grounded. my feet are firmly planted on the ground of God planning this adoption for us and giving us the strength to deal with all that it entails. but it is still sad. and it is still a fact that my children didn’t come from me. and they didn’t start with me. and they didn’t have a good start. and maybe it couldn’t have gotten better, but they didn’t get that chance. and maybe life with us will be great. the best. but there is still, and always will be, something missing.
i hope we get that chance someday. the chance to connect with their biological family. to fill in the holes for them, for our children, and for us. until then, breakdowns are welcome. at least every once in awhile.