a slight emotional breakdown

the more bonded i become to our children, the more i grieve their past. have i written about this before?? oh well, i am sure it won’t be the last time. i am sure actually, that it will be an issue i deal with for the rest of, well, forever.

thursday night after i put the kids to bed(josh was at Bible study. not sure why it matters to write that, but it paints the picture, me being alone in the house with three sleepy babies.) and i started to think about what it might be like to meet their mom someday. to share pictures with her of them growing up. to tell her of the life they have lived. and i thought about her wondering about them all that time. wondering if they were safe, healthy, loved. even though she couldn’t provide those things for them, i am sure she wants them to have them. and in the midst of my thoughts, i just fell apart. there is something so absolutely beautiful in our adoption of these children. and something so horribly sad at the same time.

i just couldn’t stop crying. the loss of their biological family, and the gain of a new family. how does it all equal out? i know there is no definitive answer. i know it is simple to understand, and yet way beyond my understanding. i know that this is how it is supposed to be, yet i also wish, in some ways, that it wasn’t this way. i would never want to be without our children, but i wish that their family could have held it together.

and my heart is broken already for when my children go through grieving their past. it is something they will do at some point in time. i am okay with that. i am great with that. but it is just so sad. we don’t have anything from their past. nothing that came with them from their parents. i can’t show them what they looked like when they were babies, we have no pictures. i can’t tell them what it was like the day they were born, i wasn’t there. i can’t tell them about their first birthdays, i didn’t know them then. i found a dave thomas adoption foundation ad in a magazine that pictured a beautiful bi-racial boy and said “you may have missed my first words, but i’ll make it up to you.” and our children already have. but knowing that we’ll never know the true start of their lives, and that they won’t either, just digs a little bit of a hole in my heart.

yes, i have the rest of their lives to watch. to get to know them. i’ll see things that their biological parents won’t. but does that matter? that’s not what it’s all about. it’s not a “nana nana boo boo” game. i think both sides lose. yes, we gain more, as in a lifetime to share. but there is loss for us in the beginning, and loss for them in the rest of time. and our kids gain all the way around, and lose all the way around at the same time.

i am not trying to be dark and sad. this is just one of the realities of adoption. one that i think for me will cause a breakdown every once in awhile. one for me that keeps me grounded. my feet are firmly planted on the ground of God planning this adoption for us and giving us the strength to deal with all that it entails. but it is still sad. and it is still a fact that my children didn’t come from me. and they didn’t start with me. and they didn’t have a good start. and maybe it couldn’t have gotten better, but they didn’t get that chance. and maybe life with us will be great. the best. but there is still, and always will be, something missing.

i hope we get that chance someday. the chance to connect with their biological family. to fill in the holes for them, for our children, and for us. until then, breakdowns are welcome. at least every once in awhile.

"It's a ban"

it’s a what? yeah, we’re trying to figure it out too. ban is something our three and a half year old wilbur came up with. it’s been a part of his vocabulary for a few months now. here’s what we know so far. a ban can be anything. i can be a ban. what we eat for snack before bed can be a ban. putting on shoes can be a ban. he has a ban dance, though we’ve never actually seen it before. he also has a ban show, which we’ve also never seen. and now he has a ban follower. our two year old orville started saying ban today. yeah, he really did.

and ban isn’t the only interesting thing that has come out of wilbur’s mouth. remember “thank You for my business”? well, last week after a small amount of snow was deposited throughout the area, wilbur noticed it on amelia’s school. out came this.

wilbur: why her school all wet?

me: because it snowed.

wilbur: who bought it?

me: who bought the snow?

wilbur: yes.

me: you can’t buy snow, God makes it. He sends it down from the clouds.

wilbur: oh, Him need a ladder?

me: no, God doesn’t need a ladder. He just tells the snow to fall down and it does.

wilbur: oh.

and saturday night, as we were getting the kids ready for bed, wilbur climbed up on my lap. and out came this.

wilbur: i going to cover you face with you hair.

me: why?

wilbur: so i can’t see you.

me: why?

wilbur: so we can play hide-n-seek.

me: ah, okay.

and another funny thing happened last week. josh is semi-known for typo’s in lessons/Bible studies he prepares for church. last thursday during Bible study, we noticed several. but none compare to this. we are studying Hebrews. we were discussing chapter 5 verse 9, “and, once made perfect, He became the source of eternal salvation for all who obey Him.” here’s josh’s question. “as an eternal high priest, Christ achieved eternal atonement and salvation. why is this salvation available only to shoes who obey Him?”

i am stumped too!

it's official!


we are a forever family!(we have been in our hearts since the day we met, but now it is government declared!)

last monday we went to court and the judge granted our adoption petitions! what an amazing and emotionally overwhelming experience! it was such a beautiful time of sharing with our family and friends, and the court, what it means to us to be parents to our children. we still in so many ways can’t believe how God’s plan for our lives has played out. and even when i replay the timeline in my head, i am still in awe. oh, adoption. the joy! i wish everyone could experience it in some way, shape, or form.

is it easy? no. well, in some ways. each situation is different. would i recommend three children at once? no. well, maybe if you are crazy like us. or if God is clearly revealing that’s what He wants you to do. and like us, if what He wants is what you want.

is it hard? no. well, in some ways. each situation is different. but the hard times are easily replaced by the good. and by the love. the love that you feel that you can’t even describe. it is essentially like loving a stranger, but a stranger that you can’t imagine your life without. and how exciting that someday my kids will be all i’ve ever known, even though in the beginning i didn’t know them at all.

our best friends put it this way. and what a perfect, beautiful way it is. thanks j & h!

life together

just us, we learned, we worked, we loved.

God had given us so much

and our time as one taught us about how we should live.

we prayed and asked for more,

we wanted a family.

patience, grace, and misunderstanding became the new lessons.

but we waited and continued to pray.

our miracle was on its way.

for them life was different, but the same.

they waited, wondered, and watched as God put love into their lives.

it might not have been clear, but there was a plan.

two separate lives spiraling toward one another.

the three and the two would become one.

one family.

it is not hard to look back now and see,

but there was a time when questions saw no answers.

His timing and His grace brought more than our request.

the one we had wanted soon became a beautiful and perfect


as small, medium, and large, all made a wondrous fit.

now we move on into the rest of our time here on earth

and we thank God

for our new and flawless

life together.

after court we enjoyed time together with family and friends eating and celebrating at josh’s parents house. thanks so much mom & dad!

amelia on court day, enjoying peanuts at grammy and gramps’ house

amelia on court day, enjoying peanuts at our celebration at grammy & gramps’ house


wilbur in papa’s glasses at our celebration


orville at court with his gavel pencil