does anyone know how hard this is?

oh, i know some of you who read do.  but the people around me, the people directly around me, my family and friends-they have no idea.  i’ve been reading  twenty things adopted kids wish their adoptive parents knew by sherrie eldridge and it’s putting into words things i feel, things my kids feel.  it’s giving me insight into their minds, into their hearts.  it’s helping me understand things they are unable to verbally express.  i have heard mixed reviews of this book, some people like it, some people don’t.  if you’ve read it, i’d love your opinion.  anyway, somethings really jumped out at me after wilbur’s break down last week.  here are a few:

-“unlike other losses we have come to expect in a lifetime, such as death and divorce, adoption is more pervasive, less socially recognized, and more profound.” –being adopted:  the lifelong search for self by dr. david brodzinsky & dr. marshall schechter

-“grief is the natural response to loss, and those touched by adoption must be given permission to revisit emotionally the place of loss, feel the pain, scream the anger, cry the tears, and then allow themselves to be loved by others.” -twenty things adopted kids wish their adoptive parents knew by sherrie eldridge

-“we must be careful not to sanitize sentimentalize, or even glamorize the pain of adoption;  it really is miserable stuff, and it is intensely personal.  it is interior.  the pain of adoption is not something that happens to a person;  it is the person.  because the pain is so primal, it is virtually impossible to describe.” –the spirit of open adoption by james gritter

did you see that?  “the pain of adoption is not something that happens to a person;  it is the person.”  this isn’t something my wilbur is feeling.  this is my wilbur.  this is his life.  and today we met another family that understands that.  another mom and dad who adopted a sibling group of three.  a daughter, and two sons, just like us.  and the kids are the same ages, the boys being just a couple months apart from our boys.  we met for lunch at mcdonald’s. i know, so lovely.  but we thought it would be a good place because the kids could play and parents could talk.  and we did.  and i feel like we could talk a lot more.  so we will.  isn’t God amazing!?!?

we haven’t had a picture update in a long time.  mainly because we haven’t updated in a long time.  so here’s a picture update, picking up where we left off from feb. 5th, orville’s 4th birthday.

i was helper in wilbur’s class.  we made patterns and had 50’s day, complete with a sock hop.

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amelia and i had mother daughter night at church.  of course no pictures were taken of the two of us.

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we celebrated orville’s birthday with family and friends.

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he received a substantial amount of clothing from grammy.

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and the orderly little guy that he is, he felt he needed to immediately take his new clothes to the laundry basket in his room.  right in the middle of his party, he just marched right up the stairs.  it was too cute!

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i was helper in amelia’s class for her valentine’s day party.

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josh took the garland down from the porch and used it to pretend to be a monster.  it was pretty funny.

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we finally got to play outside.  my nephew joined us.

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i was helper in orville’s class again.  grammy joined us.

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the boys and i had a special day out.  wendy’s for lunch, then a park for playing and riding bikes.

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amelia and i had a very special night out at secret keeper girl.

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amelia had a hearing test at children’s hospital after failing the school hearing test twice.  she’s just fine, but can’t hear very faint sounds.

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orville and josh had daddies night at pre-school.

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i was greeted one morning by the kids doing yoga.  so hilarious!

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josh and amelia had a daddy daughter date.  chuck e. cheese and taco bell.  all amelia’s choosing.

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we went to columbus to visit our very dear friends.

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during our stay we took a trip to the columbus zoo.  very nice.  very big.

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orville fell asleep on the way home from the zoo.  then everyone had some much needed down time.  including the dads who fell asleep.

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just friday, the kids, my mom and i, went to the cleveland children’s museum to have a fun time on our last day of spring break.  the special feature right now at the museum is a room filled with tons, literally, of sand.  we went back in january of ’07 too.  the kids have changed so much since then!

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a three hour conversation

our senior pastor is on the board at our local children’s services agency and when their usual Easter basket supplier stepped down, he stepped up and volunteered our church.  many gladly participated, including our family.  we chose to do three baskets, since we have three kids.  and we also chose to make baskets for teenagers because i am sure most people think it’s much more fun to make baskets for babies and toddlers.  i understand, and in some ways agree.  but, i didn’t want the teens left out.

when we signed up for the baskets, we explained it to the kids and we’ve talked about it some over the past few weeks.  today, was the day to take our baskets to church so i loaded them in the van before we left to pick amelia up from school.  while we were sitting in the van waiting for the schoolbell to ring, wilbur asked what the baskets were for.  i could tell he knew, but just wanted to hear about it one more time.  i explained to him that they are for kids in foster homes.  i reminded him that it’s like when he was in his foster home and that the kids who would get the baskets aren’t able to live with their parents because their parents can’t take very good care of them.  i asked him if he remembered his foster mom and living in her home.  and he started to cry.  his seat is in the back of the van so i had him unbuckle and come up to the front.  i hugged him and held onto him andhe just cried and cried.  i asked him if he knew why he was crying or what he was crying about.  he said no.  then he said he missed his foster mom and his birthmom and dad.  i suggested that when we got home we could look at some pictures from his foster home and spend some time talking.

we got amelia and headed to josh’s office where i needed to pick something up.  wilbur started to cry again.  we headed to church to drop off the baskets. wilbur started to cry again.  we headed to get the oil changed in the van.  wilbur started to cry again.  we headed home.  wilbur started to cry again.

at home, he got out a book i made each of the kids for Christmas.  it’s the story of our family, how we were formed, when we visited, when they came home, etc.  i read him the story and poor little wilbur just cried.  from the time he started crying at amelia’s school, to the time he was able to fully calm down at home, took about three hours.

today we spent three hours crying and talking about birthparents and foster moms. our poor little wilbur is trying so hard to put together his crazy life. he was just sobbing at times. almost like in agony. i think his little heart just feels so broken. he said he misses his birthparents and wants to see them. people he doesn’t know.  people he doesn’t remember.  but people he is connected to anyway.  people that he is so strongly connected to he just can’t understand.   he was just so sad.  and of course i am overwhelmed with things that i can’t say to them, because they aren’t old enough to understand. and i don’t even understand some of it myself.

it is so hard.

this is so hard.

at times during our conversation i was wondering why the Lord would put me in this situation.  why He would put my children in this situation.  i am in awe of the size of the Lord. that He would plan this glorious story for me, for them. this gloriously gut wrenching, heartbreaking story.  why did God choose me for this?  because though i feel inadequate, incapable, unprepared-i will do it.  i can do it.  God will fulfill His purpose for me and my children. “i cry out to God Most High, to God who fulfills His purpose for me.” psalm 57:2  He could have healed my children’s birthfamily.  He could have healed my womb.  but instead He took all of our brokenness and brought it together.  all for His glory.  which brings be back to His word that pierced me when we first started on this adoption journey.

philippians 2:13
for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to His good purpose.

ephesians 1:11
in Him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of Him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of His will.

romans 9:17
I raised you up for this very purpose, that I might display My power in you and that My name might be proclaimed in all the earth.

romans 8:18
i consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.

i don’t understand how this will bring glory to His name.  maybe because we are being obedient to His calling?  i don’t know.  but i do know that believe with all of me that this is part of His divine plan.  He made it this way.  He needed it to be this way.  and i will do my best to walk well this road He has layed out before me.  and when we don’t understand and we’re sad, i will point us to Him trusting that He does understand and will bring us peace.

it's been a month

and some have wondered where we’ve been.  we’re still here!  we’ve been really busy.  and now that it’s been a month, i’m not sure what all to write about. i’ll get you updated somehow, i promise.  maybe i’ll work on that tonight.  thanks for wondering about us!