i'm just…sad

i get this way sometimes.  it usually happens when i am feeling overwhelmed with, well, everything.  mother’s day is right around the corner.  the 3rd anniversary of the day our kids came home is just around the corner.  and i, am sad.  sad.

sounds ridiculous.  feels ridiculous.  why?

i should be so happy.

i have three kids.  adorable kids.  amazing kids.  resilent kids.  but, they are also kids who really annoy me sometimes.  kids who don’t listen.  kids who don’t use our home the right way.  kids who don’t use their toys the right way.  kids who talk back.  kids who don’t respond when spoken to.  kids who don’t answer when asked a question.  kids who talk with food in their mouths.  kids who drop their food on the floor.  kids who spill their drinks.  kids who talk too loud.  kids who talk too quiet.   kids who…the list could go on and on.

and though these kids are “mine”, they also feel like complete strangers to me.

and it makes me…sad.

i didn’t make them.  i don’t know them.  there’s no part of me in them.  they are foreigners in my home.  and i am a foreigner as their mother.  and yet, we are a family.

and it weighs heavily on my heart.  and it weighs heavily on my shoulders.  and i want to do better.  and i want to be better.  and sometimes i just feel like i can’t.  sometimes i feel like a foreigner to myself.  i am not the self i wanted to be.  i am not the mother i wanted to be.  i am not the mother i wanted my children to have.  and i am not supposed to talk about this.  because, what we have done is so wonderful.  and our family is so cute.  and people have no idea how hard it is to be our family.

and it makes me…sad.

the one thing i know

years ago, before adoption.  before we met our kids.  before we had heard about our kids.  before we knew we were going to adopt. before i had(at that time) come to terms with my infertility.  before most of this, the Lord reminded me of the only thing in my life that i know is certain.

i had season tickets, along with a group of girlfriends, to a broadway series of shows in a local theatre district.  we would meet, carpool to dinner, walk to the show, and have a great time.  one night i had to work a little later so i drove to the restaurant alone.  during dinner the conversation turned to motherhood.  “be strong,” i thought.  “it’s okay.  your heart can do this.  be the big girl.  smile.  giggle.  hide your tears.  hide your sadness.  besides, you’re the only one here without children.  you can’t expect them to not talk about their children.”  so i played along, like i was okay.  and they complained.

they complained about being pregnant.

they complained about giving birth.

they complained about late night feedings.

they complained about their children being sick.  disrespectful.  whiney.  needy.  clingy.  messy.  busy.  etc, etc, etc.

they complained about being mothers.

right in front of…….my face.

we went on to see the show.  you know, to this day, i don’t remember what it was.  because, although it was enjoyable, i was consumed with sadness.  i was surrounded by people who had what i wanted.  and they didn’t know i wanted it.  and they didn’t care that they had it.  and it nearly broke me into pieces.  i couldn’t wait for the show to end.  for us to walk to our cars.  and for me to be alone.  i needed to be alone.  i needed the Lord to speak to my heart.

my solitude finally came.  after a few minutes of being quiet and getting through the downtown area onto the highway, i turned on some music.  sara groves, the one thing i know.

“and the clouds just parted on a corner of my life
and i can see for miles
and the things i was stuck on
things i thought would never change
they just broke open wide

this is the one thing i know
You said You won’t let me go
You said You won’t let me go
You’ve done a good work in me
and You won’t quit ’til i’m free

and the veil just lifted
i can finally understand
the way You work in me
but even if  didn’t
You are still a sovereign God
Who has a plan for me

this is the one thing i know
You said You won’t let me go
You said You won’t let me go
You’ve done a good work in me
and You won’t quit ’til i’m free

it’s good to know You work with hurt and broken souls
that you’ll take a soul like mine
in all the world nothing’s taken hold of me like Christ

this is the one thing
this is the only thing
You are the one thing
You are the only thing

this is the one thing i know
You said You won’t let me go
You said You won’t let me go
You’ve done a good work in me
and You won’t quit ’til i’m free”

the Lord was speaking to my heart.  piercing it actually, with His truth and His love for me.  “this is the ONE thing i know, YOU said YOU WON’T LET ME GO.  YOU said YOU WON’T LET ME GO.”

over and over again i said it.  through tears.  sometimes barely audible.  sometimes almost screaming.  i kept saying it.  and saying it.  and saying it.  “YOU said YOU WON’T LET ME GO.  YOU WON’T LET ME GO.  YOU WON’T LET ME GO.  YOU WON’T LET ME GO.  YOU WON’T LET ME GO.”  and He wasn’t.  and i could feel Him.  and that was such an important time in my journey.

this morning i had “Muffins for Mom”  at amelia’s school.  “Muffins for Mom”, and that mom is me.  and it’s hard. and i complain.  yes, i complain.  i have been given a huge gift and i do the very thing that broke my heart years ago.  the only difference is, i think  i am more aware of who i am complaining around.  though that doesn’t make it any better.

i am having  a hard time right now.  a really hard time.  i am searching through myself, trying to understand some things i have been thinking and feeling related to my infertility and adoption of my children.  it’s rough stuff.  feelings i am ashamed to be feeling.  things i am ashamed to be thinking.  but, i know it’s part of my journey and something i need to work through.

the boys and i had lunch with a good friend at chick-fil-a.  we had a great time.  all went well.  i dropped the boys off at school and turned on the faithful iPod.  i chose to listen to some sara groves, of course.  “the one thing i know.  what the heck, haven’t heard it in a while.”

tears.

one hand lifted in praise.  the other wanted to go up too, but one of them had to hold the steering wheel.

tears.

tears.

“really Lord.  wow.  and the veil just lifted.  i can finally understand the way You work in me.  but even if  didn’t, You are still a sovereign God Who has a plan for me.  this is the one thing i know, You said You won’t let me go.  You said You won’t let me go.
You’ve done a good work in me and You won’t quit ’til i’m free”

He took me back to that time years ago.  He showed me that even though it’s a different time now and i am in a totally different place, He’s still doing the same thing.  He’s holding me.  and He won’t let me go.

He won’t let me go.

HE WON’T LET ME GO.

HE WON’T LET ME GO.

HE WON’T LET ME GO.

HE WON’T LET ME GO.