sitting in the waiting room

“sitting in the waiting room of silence
waiting for that still soft voice i know
offering my words up to the rooftop to Your heart
trusting that this closet’s where You are”
~waiting room, shane barnard

we’ve been in the “waiting for a new job” waiting room for a little over two months now.  people often ask how we’re doing and my usual reply is “fine”.  everytime that word comes out of my mouth i think of all the times i’ve been told, especially at church, that most people really aren’t fine.  they either don’t want to take the time to give an honest answer or they don’t think the person asking wants to be bothered by the truth.

a few weeks ago i was challenged on my “fine” answer.  a friend asked, “how do you really feel?”  and so i answered honestly, “i really do feel fine.  i know God has this.  i know He has a plan.  i know He has a job lined up.  He knows where it is.  He knows when it will come.  we just have to wait.”  i am so grateful to find contentment in the waiting.  God has proven time and time again that He has plans for me and for my family.  why would i doubt Him now?

i have been blown away by the ‘peace that passes all understanding’.  i can truly say i believe and am living, by the grace of God, philippians 4:6~7, “the Lord is near.  do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  and the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

“i will run when i cannot walk
i will sing when there is no song
i will pray when there is no prayer
i will listen when i cannot hear

sitting in the waiting room of silence
waiting for that still soft voice i know
offering my words up to the rooftop to Your heart
trusting that this closet’s where You are

Lord i know if i change my mind
You will change my heart in time
Sovereign Lord this time’s from You
so i sit in the waiting room of silence
cause its all about You

i will fight when i cannot feel
i will trust when You don’t seem real
i will tell when i cannot speak
i will step when i cannot see”
~waiting room, shane barnard

maybe this is how it's supposed to be

we just finished dinner.  josh is at soccer.  the boys are playing memory in the living room.  amelia is doing her homework at the dining room table.  i am sitting with her, helping her when needed.

i don’t feel like a mom.  at least not the way i thought i would feel when i used to think about being a mom.  i feel somewhat disconnected, like this is someone else’s life.  and then i thought, “maybe this is how it’s supposed to be.”

maybe every mom feels this way.  maybe they don’t.  in some ways it’s like how i feel about being an adult.  every time i drop my second grader off at school i think, “how is it possible for this 17 year old kid to be trapped in the body of an almost 34 year old?  and i am dropping an 8 year old off at school?  i am not old enough, mature enough, responsible enough to be doing this.  this is crazy!”

i often wonder if my disconnected feeling is due to me being an adoptive mother.  i often wonder if i’d feel more connected had i birthed my children.  and then i think, “maybe this is how it’s supposed to be.”  and then i remind myself that it is supposed to be this way.  that God ordained for it to be this way.  that He made me, made my children, and then in His sovereignty, formed us into a family.

so i sit here at the dining room table, blogging and helping my second grader with her math homework.  and while i don’t know how i should feel, i do know this:  i wouldn’t want anyone else helping her(except maybe josh if he was home) and i am helping her because God made me her mother and i love her.