double digits

i found some paperwork from before we met you.  notes i had taken during conversations with your social worker.

“he’s a monkey”, is something i had written down.

even then, at 2, you were silly and funny and making people laugh.

today, you’re 10.

typing that takes my breath away.  makes my throat tighten up.

how did 10 arrive so quickly?

you are a miracle, my sweet boy.

this whole abuse, neglect, adoption thing~you’ve been dealt the most difficult hand.

the difficulty with words, the fears, the worries, the lingering effects of the trauma~you deal with it all, every day.

and it’s hard.

and it hurts.

and you keep going.

you keep fighting.

while all of these things may hold you back to some degree, they don’t stop you from enjoying your life.

they don’t keep you from moving forward.

you are one strong boy.

you face your fears every day.

you push through.

you fight back.

you thrive in spite of the harsh reality of your beginnings.

right now, as i ponder you, you are teaching me so much.

to push through my fears.

to talk about them, even when i don’t want to.

to be silly, even when life is hard.

to make people laugh, even when they are grumpy.

to enjoy, really enjoy, the things i like.

i am so excited about your life.  so excited to see what the Lord has planned for you and how He will use your story.

we’re so glad you’re a part of our lives, our story.

happy year of being 10.

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angel

he sat across from us in the counselor’s office waiting room.

he was probably 5 and a half feet tall.  probably in his early teens.

his skin was a smooth, very light tan.  his hair was short, but wavy.

he looked sweet.  he looked sad.  he looked like a confused and hurting little boy.

he was wearing an orange shirt and pants, the kind people wear in juvenile detention.

he was in trouble.

he broke my heart.

his dad accompanied him, but sat with a seat in between he and his son.

no words or glances were exchanged during their 45 minute wait for the therapist.  they had come early. and they sat there.  together, but alone.

it broke my heart.

this poor boy needed someone.  he’s probably needed someone for a very long time.

behind him sat a teenage girl.  she was talking with whoever brought her in but it obviously wasn’t her mother because she talked about her the entire time.

the men in and out of their home.  in and out of their lives.

the one guy who cared enough to call children’s services because he felt mom was being neglectful.

and she was.  and the kids were removed.  and now they all live with different people.

she talked about it as if it was okay.  as if it were normal.

it broke my heart.

i hoped my children weren’t hearing the conversation.  i hoped the movie that was playing and the games that were being played on my phone were enough of a distraction.

i hoped i wouldn’t hear too.  but i did.  even when the talking was quiet, it was as if my ears wouldn’t close.  they wouldn’t stop listening.

it was as if the Lord was telling me He won’t let my heart stop breaking.  He won’t let me be blind or deaf to the problems in the lives of hurting children.

that girl is on my mind.

that sweet boy in the orange suit is on my mind.

angel is his name.  i watched and listened as the therapist came to get him.  as she introduced herself, briefly explained that he was there for psychological evaluation, and asked him to join her.

and i prayed that he’d be okay.  that he’d get the help he needs.  that he’d get the love he needs.

he just needs someone to love him.  someone to really love him.

 

one down, two to go

we had our first home study visit tonight.  our first of three.  and it was good.

we were finishing dinner when she, the adoption assessor, arrived.  i invited her to join us at the table.  she did.  we were mostly finished so in just a few minutes, the kids were asking to be dismissed and we adults settled in for a long question and answer session.

lots of questions.

how did you meet?

what’s your relationship like?

what are your strengths as a couple?

what are some of your common interests?

how do you handle conflict?

what roles do you each play in your relationship?

what are some difficulties you’ve faced in your relationship?

how do you think adding more children to your family will change your relationship?

describe your children~their personalities.

how do you talk about adoption with them?

what are some difficulties your children have faced?

are any of them diagnosed with anything?

how have you helped them understand their adoption?

how do you feel about open adoption?

how do you feel about maintaining contact with a birth family?

how do you feel about the possibility of reunification?

how would you help facilitate reunification?

and many, many more.

a few tears, a few laughs, a few smiles at my partner in all of this.

several times of recognizing God’s sovereignty over it all.

i’m broken and grateful.

i’m humbled and honored.

i’m excited.

so much of me wants to know who they are and where they are.  so much of me wants to tell them that even though life has been crazy, it will all one day be okay.

in two weeks, the adoption assessor will be back.  there will be many more questions, for us and the kiddos too.  and then we’re one step closer.

 

prayer requests~

~that we’d be able to quickly and easily finish up the projects that need completed to have our home ready for more littles
~that our hearts and minds would be being prepared for the little ones

 

 

 

 

for you

whoever you are.

wherever you are.

this summer’s for you.

we’re preparing our home,

preparing our hearts,

trying to wrap our minds around(which we can’t) your arrival.

no lazy summer days here.

we’re painting,

cleaning,

organizing,

rearranging.

because we’re getting ready for you.

we’re waiting for you.

our home is changing.

our lives are changing.

our five is getting ready to grow into we don’t know how many.

but it will grow because of you.

and we’re open.

and we’re excited.

and we’re uncertain.

and we’re hopeful.

and we’re trusting.

trusting in the One who has a great plan for us all.

and it’s all for Him.

and it’s all for you.

whoever you are.

wherever you are.

it’s all for you.