the middle

there’s a beginning-when they came.

there’s an ending with two options-

1. they stay

2. they leave

here in the in between time, it’s so hard.

i’ve been listening to this song, the middle, by bebo norman.

“i don’t wanna go home now
stuck here in the middle alone now
everybody’s singing their song now
but i’m not ready for this

i’m not trying to run away from
this beautiful life i’ve been given
i’m not looking for freedom
maybe just a little meaning here in the middle

alright, everybody says i’ll be alright
everybody says it’s a good fight
i’m not seeing it now”

we took the baby this morning to visit with relatives all weekend.  all weekend.

all morning, if i were alone with him for even two seconds, i’d start to cry.

he’s been here for 7 months.

he’s the first baby we’ve ever had.

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i feel like we may be losing him.

the crazy thing about that is, he was never ours to begin with.

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and do you know what else is crazy?

in so many ways, this is a job.

it’s my job to care for him and to keep him safe.

and i feel like that.  like i’m his caretaker.

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but to him, to him, i’m his mom.

i’m the one who is his everything.

and it breaks my heart.

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the Lord is allowing me to enjoy so many moments in this middle time.

i am so grateful.

now if only the constant aching of my heart would fade away.

do you trust Me?

no.

nope.

no, i don’t.

because lots of things are happening that i’m not sure about.

lots of visits with lots of people.

and i’m not sure any of us are safe in this.

and i’m not sure You’re going to keep me safe.

do You remember when i sang to You

“i lay me down i’m not my own, i belong to You alone”?

i think i want to take that back now.

and do You remember when i asked of You

“Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders,

let me walk upon the waters

wherever You would call me.

take me deeper than my feet could ever wander

and my faith will be made stronger

in the presence of my Savior”?

well, i think i’d like to go back to shore now.

i’m way deeper than i ever wanted to be.

and my faith doesn’t seem stronger.

i actually feel like i’m trusting You less.

because why would You bring them if You might take them away?

because “You give and take away, my heart will choose to say blessed be Your Name”

isn’t something i’m capable of singing or saying or feeling or believing right now.

why the desire for them?

why the van?

why the house?

why was one born on my birthday?

there are 364 other days in the year.

my birthday.

really?

and the sleepless nights.

and the exhausting days.

and the consoling.

and the disciplining.

and the bathing.

and the laundering.

and the every day safety and security of our home.

and to live with a heartache i’m not sure i can bear.

i’ve always had such strong faith.

i want to fully believe You are who You say You are.

but i don’t see this turning out well unless it turns out how i think it should.

i’m stuck.

i know the truth.

i know it.

i don’t feel any of it.