• living in my greatest fear

    my greatest fears 1. snake bite 2. shark attack 3. one of my children being kidnapped 4. becoming a foster parent again and having one of the children leave after i’ve completely fallen in love with and become extremely attached to them i’m fumbling through fear number four.  the weight of it often hits me as i make my way up the stairs and round the corner to our bedroom.  i’ve nearly collapsed several times. foster care is meant to be temporary. reunification is almost always the goal. potential heartache is inevitable. but Jesus calls us to follow Him, so we do. i had a meeting this week, making a…

  • he stays, for now

    he’s here. he’s sleeping. he fell asleep in my arms as i stood on our front porch and sang to him “Jesus loves me” and “it is well with my soul”. “and Lord haste the day when my faith shall be sight” my faith.  Lord, increase my faith. this world of foster care.  there is so much we cannot share. we go back to court in about 30 days.  the plan is for custody, for all four children, to be determined that day. a lot can happen in 30 days. a lot can go right. a lot can go wrong. God already knows.  He’s already there. and now we know…

  • He knows

    today is the day we find out the next part of the story. this afternoon i go to court. does the baby stay?  or does he go? does he leave today? or do we still have some time to love him and whisper the name of Jesus in his ear? he’s sleeping right now, totally unaware of all that is going on. in our minds, there are so many ways this thing could go. in reality, there is one way.  and it is God’s way. and His way is best.  no matter what. no matter what we think. no matter how we feel. no matter what we want, or what…

  • i trust You

    during our meeting i held it together as best as i could.  i cried a bit, but didn’t want to let it all start to come out there. when we left, i told josh i didn’t really want to talk about it yet because i knew i’d fall apart. we walked to my van and his car.  he wrapped his arms around me, kissed me on the head, and told me he loved me.  the emotion of it all started to catch up with me and it took a few seconds before i could mutter back, “i love you too”. i climbed into my giant van and began to cry. …

  • when we’re told the plan is for them to leave

    we had a meeting. we were told the plan is for them to leave. and to be separated. one to one parent, three to the other. it’s the news i never wanted to hear.  the news i’ve prayed i would never hear. yet, i heard it. and it hurt. exactly three months ago today i wrote about being in the middle of things and now we may be close to the end. for the baby, the end could come as early as tuesday. my heart is broken.  my heart is heavy. every single thing we do with him over these next few days, could be for the last time. playing…