whose he is

he’s ours.

he’s his.

he’s mine.

he’s hers.

he’s His.

and His alone.

“for You formed my inward parts;
You knitted me together in my mother’s womb
i praise You, for i am fearfully and wonderfully made.
wonderful are Your works;
my soul knows it very well.
my frame was not hidden from You,
when i was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in Your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them.”
psalm 139:13-16

 

 

he’s gone again

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he’s gone again.

and it’s not any easier this time around.

how long o Lord must my hands be open in this way?

how long must i carry this ache in the depths of my heart?

i feel stuck.

almost paralyzed.

almost as if life cannot move on while he is away.

but it does.

everything just keeps moving forward.

he moves forward too.

without us.

and i have to trust You.

more than i did before he left.

more than i want to.

is that the reason this is happening?

is that the reason things change so drastically?

so frequently?

so we trust You more?

so our faith increases?

so You become more

and we become less?

the joy of You Lord is my strength.

please flood our home and our hearts with Your peace.

please flood where he is and his heart with Your peace.

 

from numbness to elation

yesterday afternoon i felt pretty numb.  it scared me at first.  it seemed negative.  then i realized maybe it was God’s provision for me.  i could have been a crazy emotional mess, but instead, i was just still, quiet.     i wasn’t feeling much of anything.

it was hard to fall asleep last night.  it was hard to think about the baby-was he asleep already?  was he scared?  was he crying?  was he being treated well?

then it was morning and the fears entered my mind again. was he okay when he woke up?  was he looking for us?  was he crying out for us?

i entered our usual morning craziness.  having 6-7 children getting ready for a new day, all at one time can, be pretty crazy.

i made my way to Bible study.  with only two kiddos in tow, it was strange.  i kept thinking i was forgetting things-the diaper bag, the sippy cup, the extra snacks.  i felt numb again.  God’s provision again.

Bible study was good.  God has placed me in a group of wonderful women.  there was genuine concern and interest for our family.  there was prayer for our family.  peace for us, protection for the baby.

thank you to all who are praying for us.

this afternoon i got a call that i needed to pick him up early, not for any serious reasons, he’s just fine.

from numbness to elation.

he came back today instead of tomorrow.  gone for one night, not two.

God’s provision.  God’s protection.

i can’t do this

i feel like i can’t do this.

this constant opening of my hands.

this constant unknown.

this constant back and forth.

this constant wondering:

do i trust?

do i really have faith?

is it faith enough?

am i strong enough?

i haven’t updated in so long because so much has happened and there is so much i can’t share.  so much i don’t understand.  so much that doesn’t make sense.

it’s been more than three months since our littlest guy has been gone without his siblings and he’s going tomorrow.  for three days.  and there’s nothing i can do. i can’t change it.  i can’t stop it.

i must take him and place him in the arms of one who is a complete stranger to him.  i must get back in my van.  i must drive away.  i must come home and prepare lunch for his siblings. i must hold back my tears so they won’t see them and unlike me, they will believe their baby is going to be okay. i must silence the screams that will want to escape from my aching heart.  i must carry on as if it is a normal day.

i’m starting to feel this way all over again.  and it scares me.

i am crying out, desperately wanting peace in the midst of this suffering.  wanting calm in the midst of this storm.  Jesus, oh Jesus, my cornerstone, please be my strength.

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and for this sweet baby, who is asleep in his crib.  he has no idea what is coming.  no idea where he is going.  no idea where we will be and why we aren’t with him.  please Jesus, please, help him feel Your presence.  give him peace.  calm his heart and mind.  soothe his sadness.  dry his tears.  Jesus please.