• whose he is

    he’s ours. he’s his. he’s mine. he’s hers. he’s His. and His alone. “for You formed my inward parts; You knitted me together in my mother’s womb i praise You, for i am fearfully and wonderfully made. wonderful are Your works; my soul knows it very well. my frame was not hidden from You, when i was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in Your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.” psalm 139:13-16    

  • he’s gone again

    he’s gone again. and it’s not any easier this time around. how long o Lord must my hands be open in this way? how long must i carry this ache in the depths of my heart? i feel stuck. almost paralyzed. almost as if life cannot move on while he is away. but it does. everything just keeps moving forward. he moves forward too. without us. and i have to trust You. more than i did before he left. more than i want to. is that the reason this is happening? is that the reason things change so drastically? so frequently? so we trust You more? so our faith increases?…

  • from numbness to elation

    yesterday afternoon i felt pretty numb.  it scared me at first.  it seemed negative.  then i realized maybe it was God’s provision for me.  i could have been a crazy emotional mess, but instead, i was just still, quiet.     i wasn’t feeling much of anything. it was hard to fall asleep last night.  it was hard to think about the baby-was he asleep already?  was he scared?  was he crying?  was he being treated well? then it was morning and the fears entered my mind again. was he okay when he woke up?  was he looking for us?  was he crying out for us? i entered our usual morning craziness. …

  • i can’t do this

    i feel like i can’t do this. this constant opening of my hands. this constant unknown. this constant back and forth. this constant wondering: do i trust? do i really have faith? is it faith enough? am i strong enough? i haven’t updated in so long because so much has happened and there is so much i can’t share.  so much i don’t understand.  so much that doesn’t make sense. it’s been more than three months since our littlest guy has been gone without his siblings and he’s going tomorrow.  for three days.  and there’s nothing i can do. i can’t change it.  i can’t stop it. i must take…