a slight emotional breakdown

the more bonded i become to our children, the more i grieve their past. have i written about this before?? oh well, i am sure it won’t be the last time. i am sure actually, that it will be an issue i deal with for the rest of, well, forever.

thursday night after i put the kids to bed(josh was at Bible study. not sure why it matters to write that, but it paints the picture, me being alone in the house with three sleepy babies.) and i started to think about what it might be like to meet their mom someday. to share pictures with her of them growing up. to tell her of the life they have lived. and i thought about her wondering about them all that time. wondering if they were safe, healthy, loved. even though she couldn’t provide those things for them, i am sure she wants them to have them. and in the midst of my thoughts, i just fell apart. there is something so absolutely beautiful in our adoption of these children. and something so horribly sad at the same time.

i just couldn’t stop crying. the loss of their biological family, and the gain of a new family. how does it all equal out? i know there is no definitive answer. i know it is simple to understand, and yet way beyond my understanding. i know that this is how it is supposed to be, yet i also wish, in some ways, that it wasn’t this way. i would never want to be without our children, but i wish that their family could have held it together.

and my heart is broken already for when my children go through grieving their past. it is something they will do at some point in time. i am okay with that. i am great with that. but it is just so sad. we don’t have anything from their past. nothing that came with them from their parents. i can’t show them what they looked like when they were babies, we have no pictures. i can’t tell them what it was like the day they were born, i wasn’t there. i can’t tell them about their first birthdays, i didn’t know them then. i found a dave thomas adoption foundation ad in a magazine that pictured a beautiful bi-racial boy and said “you may have missed my first words, but i’ll make it up to you.” and our children already have. but knowing that we’ll never know the true start of their lives, and that they won’t either, just digs a little bit of a hole in my heart.

yes, i have the rest of their lives to watch. to get to know them. i’ll see things that their biological parents won’t. but does that matter? that’s not what it’s all about. it’s not a “nana nana boo boo” game. i think both sides lose. yes, we gain more, as in a lifetime to share. but there is loss for us in the beginning, and loss for them in the rest of time. and our kids gain all the way around, and lose all the way around at the same time.

i am not trying to be dark and sad. this is just one of the realities of adoption. one that i think for me will cause a breakdown every once in awhile. one for me that keeps me grounded. my feet are firmly planted on the ground of God planning this adoption for us and giving us the strength to deal with all that it entails. but it is still sad. and it is still a fact that my children didn’t come from me. and they didn’t start with me. and they didn’t have a good start. and maybe it couldn’t have gotten better, but they didn’t get that chance. and maybe life with us will be great. the best. but there is still, and always will be, something missing.

i hope we get that chance someday. the chance to connect with their biological family. to fill in the holes for them, for our children, and for us. until then, breakdowns are welcome. at least every once in awhile.

5 Comments

  • starfish

    I so know what you mean. I realized the reason why I cried when I heard the statements from seamonkey’s birth mom was because I was so incredibly sad that he had to be given up, even if he was coming to be loved by us. It’s the one thing we just can’t do anything about. Great post.

  • jane-jane

    Wow…very well put.

    My encouragement for you is that as you pray for your three “babies”, that you pray for their biological family. Pray that they know the story some day from them, even if it in Heaven when they meet them. And if not, they will have Jesus to tell them the story of their life and why they were chosen to be your blessed and safe children.

    What an encouragement you are to me!

  • Heidi

    Kir, I love this post mostly because the fact that you take the time to think and feel these things make you a perfect mother to your children. These feelings are true for you, for their birth mother and will be true for your children at different times in their lives. The fact that you are able to acknowledge them, speak them and not hide from them will make this expierience of adoption so much easier for your children. The fact that you put yourself aside to think of how thier birth family must feel speaks volumes of your peace from God which will allow thier birth mother this same peace in one way or another someday. Thank you for your openness not just regarding your feelings, but for your children’s feelings and expieriences. I promise that this alone with reap many rewards for your children in the future. Despite the difficulties they came from and those that their birth family may continue to expierience, I know that God chose you and Josh to fulfill the life for these children that their birth mother could only pray for. You are remarkable and I am always praying for each of you. Love you all.

  • Brit

    Something we struggle with for Ethan as well. Even though he is younger, I still morn what I miss and morn for him that his life is different. It hits me out of nowhere usually, or comes from stupid comments that people make along the way. I think if we were to feel any different it would be an abnormal reaction. Thank you so much for putting this out there and helping the rest of us know that we’re not loosing our minds!

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