a three hour conversation

our senior pastor is on the board at our local children’s services agency and when their usual Easter basket supplier stepped down, he stepped up and volunteered our church.  many gladly participated, including our family.  we chose to do three baskets, since we have three kids.  and we also chose to make baskets for teenagers because i am sure most people think it’s much more fun to make baskets for babies and toddlers.  i understand, and in some ways agree.  but, i didn’t want the teens left out.

when we signed up for the baskets, we explained it to the kids and we’ve talked about it some over the past few weeks.  today, was the day to take our baskets to church so i loaded them in the van before we left to pick amelia up from school.  while we were sitting in the van waiting for the schoolbell to ring, wilbur asked what the baskets were for.  i could tell he knew, but just wanted to hear about it one more time.  i explained to him that they are for kids in foster homes.  i reminded him that it’s like when he was in his foster home and that the kids who would get the baskets aren’t able to live with their parents because their parents can’t take very good care of them.  i asked him if he remembered his foster mom and living in her home.  and he started to cry.  his seat is in the back of the van so i had him unbuckle and come up to the front.  i hugged him and held onto him andhe just cried and cried.  i asked him if he knew why he was crying or what he was crying about.  he said no.  then he said he missed his foster mom and his birthmom and dad.  i suggested that when we got home we could look at some pictures from his foster home and spend some time talking.

we got amelia and headed to josh’s office where i needed to pick something up.  wilbur started to cry again.  we headed to church to drop off the baskets. wilbur started to cry again.  we headed to get the oil changed in the van.  wilbur started to cry again.  we headed home.  wilbur started to cry again.

at home, he got out a book i made each of the kids for Christmas.  it’s the story of our family, how we were formed, when we visited, when they came home, etc.  i read him the story and poor little wilbur just cried.  from the time he started crying at amelia’s school, to the time he was able to fully calm down at home, took about three hours.

today we spent three hours crying and talking about birthparents and foster moms. our poor little wilbur is trying so hard to put together his crazy life. he was just sobbing at times. almost like in agony. i think his little heart just feels so broken. he said he misses his birthparents and wants to see them. people he doesn’t know.  people he doesn’t remember.  but people he is connected to anyway.  people that he is so strongly connected to he just can’t understand.   he was just so sad.  and of course i am overwhelmed with things that i can’t say to them, because they aren’t old enough to understand. and i don’t even understand some of it myself.

it is so hard.

this is so hard.

at times during our conversation i was wondering why the Lord would put me in this situation.  why He would put my children in this situation.  i am in awe of the size of the Lord. that He would plan this glorious story for me, for them. this gloriously gut wrenching, heartbreaking story.  why did God choose me for this?  because though i feel inadequate, incapable, unprepared-i will do it.  i can do it.  God will fulfill His purpose for me and my children. “i cry out to God Most High, to God who fulfills His purpose for me.” psalm 57:2  He could have healed my children’s birthfamily.  He could have healed my womb.  but instead He took all of our brokenness and brought it together.  all for His glory.  which brings be back to His word that pierced me when we first started on this adoption journey.

philippians 2:13
for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to His good purpose.

ephesians 1:11
in Him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of Him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of His will.

romans 9:17
I raised you up for this very purpose, that I might display My power in you and that My name might be proclaimed in all the earth.

romans 8:18
i consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.

i don’t understand how this will bring glory to His name.  maybe because we are being obedient to His calling?  i don’t know.  but i do know that believe with all of me that this is part of His divine plan.  He made it this way.  He needed it to be this way.  and i will do my best to walk well this road He has layed out before me.  and when we don’t understand and we’re sad, i will point us to Him trusting that He does understand and will bring us peace.

5 Comments

  • Diana

    Difficult as this is to pass through, the first thought that came to my mind as I started reading this post was “Wow! What a blessing!” It means he’s moving THROUGH it instead of getting stuck in the grief. This is a HUGE leap forward in healing and also in attachment! No it isn’t fun and it definately isn’t easy, but it is an absolutely necessary step in the healing process. Much as we wish there were, there are no shortcuts around it, either.

    As a mom to two little RADlings, I long for the day that my boys will reach the point where they CAN grieve at this level and face all that they’ve lost. Unfortunately, their response to their past trauma is to dissociate – or feel nothing (except anger and fear and shame.) This is a skill they perfected in their former life – and one that was necessary in order for them to survive. But now, it just keeps their little hearts locked. Nothing gets in, and nothing gets out…except through the cracks that are starting to form. They are healing and I know that joy is on the horizon. I’m confident my kids will someday reach the point where they are ready to feel at this level again. And when they arrive, my heart will break with my kids and then I will do the biggest happy dance ever and cheer and thank God with everything in me, for it is through HIS power and HIS grace that the healing is possible.

    So where is His glory? It’s in the light in your children’s eyes. It’s in their precious smiles. It’s in their laughter and song – and it’s also in their tears of grief and heartache that allow them to move forward.

    Just one little caution for you as the Mama…pay attention to your own feelings of sorrow and grief, especially over the next few days. No one can carry a load like this without being affected. Just as your son had to go through it, so do you. If you try to skirt around it or “be the strong one”, I guarantee that life will be rather unpleasant at your house for the next little while.

    One of my favorite techniques for dealing with my own feelings about stuff like this is to write a letter. Don’t worry about grammar or spelling or even how the letter flows. Just write whatever comes to your mind however it comes. Write out the sad, the happy, the angry, and yup…you can even use all those nasty words you’d never use in real life and call them every potty-mouth name in the book if you want. When you’re done with the letter, print it out (but don’t save it on your computer if that’s the writing method you choose.) Stomp on it, spit on it, scribble all over it with crayons, rip it to shreds, or whatever else you feel like doing. Then put every last piece of it in an envelope and mail it…not directly to the people in question, obviously, but somewhere else. Yes include a stamp (I figure it’s payment for the postal service eventually destroying it for me,) but not a return address. Don’t mail it from your house, either. Drop it in one of those blue postal boxes. I’ve sent many a letter addressed to the target person c/o a real dry cleaning establishment in some weird place like Kalamazoo. I’ve even sent them to Hawaii as there’s a nice big ocean between me and the letter. Yah, you can use fake addresses if you want, but I’ve grown rather fond of sending my stuff to the cleaners. After all, it’s nothing but dirty laundry. 🙂

    I also conducted a “funeral” for a girl I went to school with a little while back. I didn’t mail that letter, though. I ripped it (along with a really obnoxious picture I drew of her) in tiny shreds and flushed it down the toilet. I actually wrote about that little funeral on my blog. There’s a link to it on my sidebar. The post is titled “Miranda’s Funeral” if you’re interested in reading it.

    And when all the drama is over, your last sentence says it all – He DOES understand and He will bring you peace.

    Blessings to you!

  • Maggie

    Slugger goes through times like that, too. Where he positively keens for the people he’s lost. It’s so hard to watch him go through it, but that’s all we can do. We have to just validate their emotions, be there for them, and let them work through it.

    Adoption is a hard thing. And foster care adoption in particular is born from a lot of pain and trauma.

  • bri

    Oh I weep with you! That broke my heart that he was hurting so badly!

    Just a little pick-me-up… God does not call the qualified. He qualifies the called!

    I know He is equipping you with more than enough! I am praying for you now that God would bring a peace to Wilbur’s softened heart and that He would give you wisdom in the days to come. You know that He will provide for you everything you need in the moment you need it!

    Blessings… and it was good to “see” you again!

  • Erin

    I found your blog about a month ago. I have enjoyed getting caught up on the story of your family. My husband and I are in the praying stages of figuring out how to start our own family – foster adoption may be an option. Anyway, I just wanted to say thanks for sharing your stories so authentically. I love the way your heart for the Lord shows so clearly. He gives you a strength and a humility that encourages people like me.

  • H.

    I can’t imagine how heart wrenching this day must have been…it’s so good that your little boy was able to pour out his heart…so many kids bury their pain…praise God for you and Josh…God is restoring your children!!

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