a sweet friend, who is  also walking the painful road of infertility and heading toward adoption, recently shared some of why and how her heart is breaking at this time.  how do we handle the time we missed in the lives of our children before they came to us?  she wondered if i had any advice for her.  i am sharing my response on here because i think it’s important for those of us on this journey to know that there are others of us who do understand.  each of us has our own unique journey to take, but we do share some similar experiences and heartache.

“advice?  oh, i wish i could just take this away from you because i know how painful it can be. it has been all encompassing for me.  i feel a loss for the child i never had and i feel a loss for what i missed out on with the children that i do have.

i, just about an hour ago was sharing with a dear friend that i have spent time over the past 6 years grieving a baby that will never be.  it seems so absurd in some ways, to say goodbye to something i never had.

and, there are many days, and sometimes multiple times a day, that my heart breaks for what i missed with my kids.  sometimes i look at their sweet faces and get so sad because i didn’t know them as babies.  in a lot of ways i can’t even imagine amelia and wilbur as babies because there are no pictures of them before amelia was 3 1/2 and wilbur was 1 1/2.  with orville we have pictures from when he was 2 months so i know what he looked like, but i never held him or bathed him or smelled him.

i know that while i missed so much, i get to be a part of more than anyone else.  who my children become will be because of how josh and i work with the Lord to raise them.  and from the moment they came home, until the moment they return to the Lord(or the moment i do)i am the one they will call mom, the one they’ll cling to when they need something, the one they’ll rejoice with when something wonderful happens, etc. sometimes thinking about all of this helps me, and sometimes it doesn’t.  but, for all i did miss, there is so much i get to see.

this adoption/infertility thing really is crazy.  it is.  it just flat out is.  there are moments it makes total sense and then there are moments where i can’t figure out anything at all.  and somehow, in the midst of all of the craziness, is our God.  the God of the universe.  the God who made me, made josh, made amelia, made wilbur, made orville, made you, made your  husband, made your little one.  He is there.  and He knows exactly what He’s doing.

and while most of me gets that, there’s a big part of me that doesn’t.   and then i remind myself that it really has nothing to do with me.  it’s all about Him.  and in His infinite wisdom, He has a plan that is good for me and josh and amelia and wilbur and orville and you and your husband and your little one.

and most importantly, i know He loves me and i know He loves YOU.  and i know when my heart is breaking and when your heart is breaking, His breaks too.  and He watches us and listens to us and sends people to hold us because that’s what He’d want to do.

if He were physically here i have no doubt that He’d scoop you up into His arms and say, “child, I love you.  I am so sorry this is so hard for you.  I know your heart is breaking.  I know sometimes you struggle to take one more step.  but, trust Me.  lean on Me.   I have a plan for you.  I know it doesn’t all make sense now, but someday it will.  I promise.”  and He’d wipe away your tears.

remember when you shared these jeremy camp lyrics with me?  “there will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears.  there will be a day when the burdens of this place, will be no more, we’ll see Jesus face to face.”

what a journey!


  • allison

    Thank you for sharing! After almost a year I finally feel like I understand my children. Our youngest came at 6 weeks and I could piece together her life before she came. As for her brother he is 12 months older and had moved around a few times before coming to our house. I have tried to ask so many questions of birth parents, social workers, etc. Trying to see and understand his life the first 14 months. The hardest part for me is knowing if the things he does is because of his past or just a normal kid thing. I have a hard time not reading into his “actions” or behaviors and wondering why. I do believe that these children 100% are my children! Now if only everything was all final (foster/adopt can be a very long, hard, difficult, emotional process). My only comfort is God loves these children more than I do (hard to imagine) and he wants the best for them.

  • Maya

    Thank you so much for this post. I know this in my head but it’s nice to see it written down so beautifully. My husband and I went through infertility and now God has lead us to foster-adoption. We are very excited to meet the child God had in mind for us!

  • Laura

    I came upon this blog post while searching for something else, and I want to say thank you. God knows that I have a heavy heart today after paying the balance on yet another IVF attempt and He brought me to your words. I CAN take the next step.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.