an ache

wilbur-do babies have teeth?

me-no. they start with no teeth and then God makes their teeth grow as they grow bigger.

wilbur-how do they eat if they don’t have teeth?

me-well, the food gets mashed up for them. like, if you take a banana and smoosh it all up, a baby could eat that.

wilbur-but a baby can’t mash a banana.

me-no, their mom and dad can do that for them.

wilbur-did you do that for me when i was a baby?

me-(aching-inside my heart) no. i didn’t have you when you were a baby.

wilbur-well, where was i?

me-you were at mommy _______’s house.

wilbur-how did she know how to feed me?

me-someone told her.

wilbur-did she feed amelia that way too?


oh, the incredible ache of not knowing them then. the incredible ache of not holding them, feeding them, meeting those such basic human needs. the incredible ache of having to say, “no, it wasn’t me. i wasn’t there.” the incredible ache of the void that leaves for them. the void they don’t understand yet, but someday will. i know my children came to me at just the right time. i don’t question that at all. i know i wasn’t supposed to know them when they were born, before they had teeth, when they needed to eat mashed up bananas.

but, i really wish i did.

and it’s an ache that my heart will hold. likely for always.


  • bri

    Hello Kirsten. I ran across your blog when I was looking for foster/adopt blogs. My husband and I have been down a pretty bumpy path for biological children as well and after the birth and death of our 3rd child then we would directly ask God… “what were you talking about when you said to start our family?” We were struck with thoughts of adopting. Then others came to us and questioned us on it… At first I was resentful just because I had just had our 3rd child pass away and I felt like people are trying to put bandaids on the wound and not have to face another loss to “get us through”.
    Eventually we were open to praying about it and realized that their were children without mommies and daddies and we were a mommy and daddy without children. We decided to go forward with foster/adopt. about 5 months after we were licensed we got our little boy; 7 days old straight from the hospital. Of course he came with “strings” (no child is “free” for adoption at least until 6 months of age.) So we were fostering him until further news… He is now about to be 11 months old and we are almost certain that we will get to adopt him by the end of this year. IN FAITH we will.

    It is encouraging to read your blog and others like yours. I am hoping to follow your blog from here on out to see where God takes you and your family… (I am still in the process of catching up on all the history to your now life so bear with me Ü)

    I will be praying with your family and for your family in the times to come.

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