• year 17

    “we’d like you to meet our oldest son someday,” they said. “ok,” i replied. i barely knew them.  and i had no idea who he was. two years passed. and then we met, this son of theirs and i. he came to volunteer at a church jr. high event that i was leading.  and he was silly and goofy and obnoxious and cute and also a little mysterious.  and the kids loved him.  and he made me smile.  and he made me laugh.  but, he was seeing someone. i had just graduated from college.  i was looking for a full~time job.  i was contemplating moving to connecticut with my sister.…

  • today i’m 41

    in june 2014 a baby boy was born, a sibling to the kiddos we were fostering at the time. he was born on my birthday and we were open to having him placed with us if need be. the court placed him with relatives. we thought that part of the story was over, but six weeks later, he came to live with us. in june 2015 we were preparing to lose him. in march i lost my faith. but in june i got it back, even though we made a transition plan for him to leave us. we celebrated his first birthday, and my 39th, and the next day he…

  • tomorrow is mother’s day and all i want is some time alone

    tomorrow is mother’s day and all i want is some time alone to try to process this life i’m living. so i’m at panera. i am sitting here physically on my own, but I’m never really alone. a break is never really a break. time away is never really time away. because they don’t leave my mind, these kids of mine. because they are tethered to my heart. because they are wounded and somehow, some way i’m supposed to be a part of they’re healing. and in the process i’m being wounded too. because i have asked Him many times to break my heart for what breaks His. and He…

  • brave

    a few years ago, i chose a word for the year. i can’t remember what year it was. i can’t remember what word i chose. i didn’t choose a word for this year. but at the close of 2015, i feel a word has been chosen for me. my word for 2015 is brave. i got a bracelet. i thought about a tatoo. a bracelet is sufficient for now. at the start of 2015, i didn’t think i’d survive if we had to let our littles go.  but i got to the point where i knew i could trust God and surrender them if He called me to do that.…

  • starbucks has a red cup and suddenly the church cares about orphans in america

    this keeps showing up in my facebook newsfeed. apparently some Christians have an issue with the new starbucks cup because it’s red and doesn’t have traditional Christmas designs. and apparently some other Christians have an issue with those Christians caring more about a starbucks cup than things that really matter. and apparently to show those Christians that the red cup doesn’t really matter, some Christians are grabbing this image and posting it all over the place to highlight something that matters. something that really, really matters. but, why didn’t it matter before starbucks rolled out their red cups? why can starbucks cause the church to talk about orphans today, but…