• today i’m 41

    in june 2014 a baby boy was born, a sibling to the kiddos we were fostering at the time. he was born on my birthday and we were open to having him placed with us if need be. the court placed him with relatives. we thought that part of the story was over, but six weeks later, he came to live with us. in june 2015 we were preparing to lose him. in march i lost my faith. but in june i got it back, even though we made a transition plan for him to leave us. we celebrated his first birthday, and my 39th, and the next day he…

  • tomorrow is mother’s day and all i want is some time alone

    tomorrow is mother’s day and all i want is some time alone to try to process this life i’m living. so i’m at panera. i am sitting here physically on my own, but I’m never really alone. a break is never really a break. time away is never really time away. because they don’t leave my mind, these kids of mine. because they are tethered to my heart. because they are wounded and somehow, some way i’m supposed to be a part of they’re healing. and in the process i’m being wounded too. because i have asked Him many times to break my heart for what breaks His. and He…

  • the twins first birthday

    they were born one year ago today. there was no fanfare. no one was pacing back and forth down the hall in the hospital waiting room. there were no facebook announcements. no parade of family and friends coming to visit. no photographer hired to capture the special moments of their lives entering this world. a day that should have been full of joy turned into a day of chaos. one baby whisked away to the NICU. phone calls with agencies. social worker visits. court papers. they were born a month early. no one was expecting them for at least a couple more weeks. we had no idea they had arrived.…

  • it is well

      surgery is today.  friday.  the 13th.  the surgeon said it doesn’t bother him to operate on friday the 13th and we don’t want to wait until after thanksgiving, so here we go. i am having a total thyroidectomy, central lymph node dissection, and right modified lateral neck lymph node dissection. basically, they are removing my whole thyroid and all of the lymph nodes in the central part of my neck as well as all of the lymph nodes on the right side of my neck. 4 1/2 hours of surgery time.  estimated. tonight we had dinner with our two boys.  maddie was at a basketball game and the littles…

  • whose he is

    he’s ours. he’s his. he’s mine. he’s hers. he’s His. and His alone. “for You formed my inward parts; You knitted me together in my mother’s womb i praise You, for i am fearfully and wonderfully made. wonderful are Your works; my soul knows it very well. my frame was not hidden from You, when i was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in Your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.” psalm 139:13-16