• year 17

    “we’d like you to meet our oldest son someday,” they said. “ok,” i replied. i barely knew them.  and i had no idea who he was. two years passed. and then we met, this son of theirs and i. he came to volunteer at a church jr. high event that i was leading.  and he was silly and goofy and obnoxious and cute and also a little mysterious.  and the kids loved him.  and he made me smile.  and he made me laugh.  but, he was seeing someone. i had just graduated from college.  i was looking for a full~time job.  i was contemplating moving to connecticut with my sister.…

  • tomorrow is mother’s day and all i want is some time alone

    tomorrow is mother’s day and all i want is some time alone to try to process this life i’m living. so i’m at panera. i am sitting here physically on my own, but I’m never really alone. a break is never really a break. time away is never really time away. because they don’t leave my mind, these kids of mine. because they are tethered to my heart. because they are wounded and somehow, some way i’m supposed to be a part of they’re healing. and in the process i’m being wounded too. because i have asked Him many times to break my heart for what breaks His. and He…

  • the twins first birthday

    they were born one year ago today. there was no fanfare. no one was pacing back and forth down the hall in the hospital waiting room. there were no facebook announcements. no parade of family and friends coming to visit. no photographer hired to capture the special moments of their lives entering this world. a day that should have been full of joy turned into a day of chaos. one baby whisked away to the NICU. phone calls with agencies. social worker visits. court papers. they were born a month early. no one was expecting them for at least a couple more weeks. we had no idea they had arrived.…

  • it is well

      surgery is today.  friday.  the 13th.  the surgeon said it doesn’t bother him to operate on friday the 13th and we don’t want to wait until after thanksgiving, so here we go. i am having a total thyroidectomy, central lymph node dissection, and right modified lateral neck lymph node dissection. basically, they are removing my whole thyroid and all of the lymph nodes in the central part of my neck as well as all of the lymph nodes on the right side of my neck. 4 1/2 hours of surgery time.  estimated. tonight we had dinner with our two boys.  maddie was at a basketball game and the littles…

  • he’s gone again

    he’s gone again. and it’s not any easier this time around. how long o Lord must my hands be open in this way? how long must i carry this ache in the depths of my heart? i feel stuck. almost paralyzed. almost as if life cannot move on while he is away. but it does. everything just keeps moving forward. he moves forward too. without us. and i have to trust You. more than i did before he left. more than i want to. is that the reason this is happening? is that the reason things change so drastically? so frequently? so we trust You more? so our faith increases?…