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how do i do this?

on May 10, 2012

mother’s day is Sunday.  it also happens to be the day we celebrate our sixth anniversary as a family.  we talked about this tonight, right before snack time.  six years ago the 13th, the day our little ones came home.

our middle guy said he wanted to talk.  with just me.  i asked him if it was about our family and he said yes.  i offered for all of us to have a conversation over our snack.  nope, he wanted just me.

i asked if it was about them coming home.  yes, kind of.  well, we could all talk about that then.  nope, just with me.

i asked if it was about before they came home and told him that a conversation about that could encourage his brother and sister if we allowed them to join us.  nope, just me, with just him.

the kids finished their snack and up they went to brush their teeth and get ready for bed.  then my boy and i sat together at the dining room table and began to talk. no amount of training, no time spent strengthening my heart, no well rehearsed answers could have prepared me for this, his onslaught of very difficult questions.

“did they want us?”

“why didn’t they do what they needed to keep us?”

“were they mean to us?”

“did they do bad things to us?”

“did they do bad things to other people?”

“did they say goodnight to us?”

“did we have a bedtime?”

“did they get in trouble?”

“were they sad when we were taken?  or were they happy?”

on, and on, and on.

i tried my best to answer, with age appropriate answers.  that’s one of the hardest parts.  i don’t have all the answers.  but the answers i do have,  to an eight year old, don’t make much sense.  honestly, most of it doesn’t make sense to me.  how in the world is he going to understand?  there will be a day when i can let it all out there, when the truth can be known.  but not now.

it took every ounce of strength i had to not completely fall apart.  it’s so hard to look into his eyes and know his heart is broken and his mind is searching for answers.  it’s so hard to know why and not be able to fully tell him.

after talking for about twenty minutes, we needed to head toward him getting to bed.  i took his hands and told him i love him.  and i love talking with him.  and i love that he asks me these questions.  and i love that i get to give him answers.  and i asked if we could continue talking tomorrow.  he said he had one more “small” question, which turned into three questions actually, then i kissed him on the head and sent him on his way.

i stepped into the kitchen and fell to my knees.  i cried so hard i had to cover my mouth so their little ears wouldn’t hear me.  i cried out to my God.  “oh, my God, how do i do this?  why me?  why them?  why does it have to be this way?”

this song has been running through my mind since.

“hungry, i come to You
for i know You satisfy
i am empty, but i know
Your love does not run dry

so i wait for You
so i wait for You
i’m falling on my knees
offering all of me
Jesus, You’re all this heart is living for

broken, i run to You
for Your arms are open wide
i am weary, but i know
Your touch restores my life

so i wait for You
so i wait for You
i’m falling on my knees
offering all of me
Jesus, You’re all this heart is living for ”
(hungry~kathryn scott)

because it’s all about Him and not at all about me.

Comments { 1 }

i’m sorry, but i don’t really know how to talk about this

on October 11, 2011

it’s not that i don’t want to.  it’s not that i can’t.  it’s just that i don’t know how.

it’s awkward.  to say the least.

i’m infertile.  infertile.

i’ve never been pregnant.  therefore, i’ve never been in labor.  i’ve never given birth.

when someone talks to me about pregnancy or childbirth my mind is flooded with thoughts.

“do they know i’m infertile?”

“do they remember i’m infertile?”

“are they really talking to me?”

“what do they expect me to say?”

“can they tell i’m uncomfortable?”

“will they walk away and wonder what was wrong?”

“will they see through me?  will they know that i’m pretending to be interested, but really i’m just wondering why in the world i’m a part of this conversation?”

“what would they do if i started to cry?”

“what would i do if i started to cry?”

“where’s my husband?  he knows this is hard for me.”

“where’s a friend?  i need to hold someone’s hand.”

“does anyone understand?”

“we’re in a room full of people, why do i have to talk about this?”

“does anyone think before they come to me with a story of someone’s possible pregnancy?  confirmed pregnancy?  labor and delivery story?”

i don’t want to be avoided.  i just wish women like me were more understood.  i wish there was some consideration.  just a little.  for those of us who just really don’t know how to talk about this.

Comments { 4 }

10 years

on August 11, 2011

“we’d like you to meet our oldest son someday,” they said.

“ok,” i replied.

i barely knew them.  and i had no idea who he was.

two years passed.

and then we met, this son of theirs and i.

he came to volunteer at a church jr. high event that i was leading.  and he was silly and goofy and obnoxious and cute and also a little mysterious.  and the kids loved him.  and he made me smile.  and he made me laugh.  but, he was seeing someone.

i had just graduated from college.  i was looking for a full~time job.  i was contemplating moving to connecticut with my sister.

we saw each other a couple more times that summer.  then i was going to make the big move to CT.  then he broke up with his girlfriend.  then he asked if i’d have dinner with him sometime.

that weekend, we had dinner.  it was october 2nd, 1999.  and i am pretty sure that at the beginning of dinner, when he told me that our waiter who had a patch on his eye really was a pirate, i started to fall in love.

we had one date, and that was it.  we were together.  sadly, we don’t remember our first kiss.  and we don’t remember the first time we said ‘i love you’.  but we do remember that we both knew he was the one for me, and i was the one for him.  we were it for each other.

our time of dating was fun.  josh always made me laugh.  we really enjoyed spending time together and with his family.  we got involved with a great group of people at church.  and josh was always finding ways to make me smile.  one time, while leaving the grocery store, he bought me a ring from a gumball machine.  it was a cute idea.  and very sweet.  apparently i liked it so much he decided to do it again, a few times.

we talked of marriage.  we talked of family.  we shared the same faith.  we shared the same goals.

in december of 2000, he proposed.  it was just the two of us, at my apartment.  we were asking each other questions from a packet of papers about marriage given to us by a pastor at church.  the questions went something like this, “would marry someone who _______?”  we were laughing and having fun, really enjoying one another.  and josh asked if i’d marry someone who gave me a ring from a gumball machine.  i said yes and when i looked up, he had a gumball machine ring container, only inside was a real diamond engagement ring.

we were married on august 11, 2001.  the weather was much like it is today~cool, breezy, sunny.  we had an amazing day!  we also had no clue what we were getting into(i know no one does!).

we didn’t really know that the vows we took before God, our family, and our friends, would be tested.

we couldn’t have predicted that one year after we said ‘i do’, and one month after buying our home, josh would lose his job.

we didn’t know that waiting until we’d been married for two years to start a family would eventually lead to the realization that we were infertile.

we didn’t know that a surgery for me would not aide our attempts at conceiving.

we didn’t know that God would call us to adoption.

we didn’t know that God would call us to the adoption of three children, at one time.

we didn’t know that two months before the children came home, josh would again lose a job.

we didn’t know that the lives our children lived before they came home to us would be so difficult to work through.

we didn’t know that six months after our children came home our daughter would start having seizures, multiple times a day.

we didn’t know that after seven years of marriage, i’d battle through a bout of depression and spend a year in counseling.

we didn’t know that after eight years of marriage josh would once again lose a job, this time for over a year.

we didn’t know that we’d question whether or not we should have gotten married.

we didn’t know that we’d question whether or not our marriage would survive.

i didn’t know that this young man i was pledging my life to would be strong when i was weak, would have faith when i had none, would pick up the pieces when they’d all fallen apart, would father as his own three children that didn’t come from us, would stand by me when i wasn’t sure i could stand by myself.

we didn’t know that at 10 years, we’d being enjoying one another again.  we didn’t know we’d be friends again.  we didn’t know we’d feel in love again.

during our really hard times, i had no idea that on this day, i’d be willing to and wanting to do it all over again.

i am so grateful for this marriage, for these past 10 years.  i am so grateful for the family we have.  i am so grateful for the faith that we share.

thank you for an amazing 10 years josh.  i love you.

“better than our promises
is the day we got to keep them
i wish those two could see us now,
they never would believe how
there are different kinds of happy”

Comments { 5 }

advice?

on October 16, 2009

a sweet friend, who is  also walking the painful road of infertility and heading toward adoption, recently shared some of why and how her heart is breaking at this time.  how do we handle the time we missed in the lives of our children before they came to us?  she wondered if i had any advice for her.  i am sharing my response on here because i think it’s important for those of us on this journey to know that there are others of us who do understand.  each of us has our own unique journey to take, but we do share some similar experiences and heartache.

“advice?  oh, i wish i could just take this away from you because i know how painful it can be. it has been all encompassing for me.  i feel a loss for the child i never had and i feel a loss for what i missed out on with the children that i do have.

i, just about an hour ago was sharing with a dear friend that i have spent time over the past 6 years grieving a baby that will never be.  it seems so absurd in some ways, to say goodbye to something i never had.

and, there are many days, and sometimes multiple times a day, that my heart breaks for what i missed with my kids.  sometimes i look at their sweet faces and get so sad because i didn’t know them as babies.  in a lot of ways i can’t even imagine amelia and wilbur as babies because there are no pictures of them before amelia was 3 1/2 and wilbur was 1 1/2.  with orville we have pictures from when he was 2 months so i know what he looked like, but i never held him or bathed him or smelled him.

i know that while i missed so much, i get to be a part of more than anyone else.  who my children become will be because of how josh and i work with the Lord to raise them.  and from the moment they came home, until the moment they return to the Lord(or the moment i do)i am the one they will call mom, the one they’ll cling to when they need something, the one they’ll rejoice with when something wonderful happens, etc. sometimes thinking about all of this helps me, and sometimes it doesn’t.  but, for all i did miss, there is so much i get to see.

this adoption/infertility thing really is crazy.  it is.  it just flat out is.  there are moments it makes total sense and then there are moments where i can’t figure out anything at all.  and somehow, in the midst of all of the craziness, is our God.  the God of the universe.  the God who made me, made josh, made amelia, made wilbur, made orville, made you, made your  husband, made your little one.  He is there.  and He knows exactly what He’s doing.

and while most of me gets that, there’s a big part of me that doesn’t.   and then i remind myself that it really has nothing to do with me.  it’s all about Him.  and in His infinite wisdom, He has a plan that is good for me and josh and amelia and wilbur and orville and you and your husband and your little one.

and most importantly, i know He loves me and i know He loves YOU.  and i know when my heart is breaking and when your heart is breaking, His breaks too.  and He watches us and listens to us and sends people to hold us because that’s what He’d want to do.

if He were physically here i have no doubt that He’d scoop you up into His arms and say, “child, I love you.  I am so sorry this is so hard for you.  I know your heart is breaking.  I know sometimes you struggle to take one more step.  but, trust Me.  lean on Me.   I have a plan for you.  I know it doesn’t all make sense now, but someday it will.  I promise.”  and He’d wipe away your tears.

remember when you shared these jeremy camp lyrics with me?  “there will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears.  there will be a day when the burdens of this place, will be no more, we’ll see Jesus face to face.”

what a journey!

Comments { 3 }