• year 17

    “we’d like you to meet our oldest son someday,” they said. “ok,” i replied. i barely knew them.  and i had no idea who he was. two years passed. and then we met, this son of theirs and i. he came to volunteer at a church jr. high event that i was leading.  and he was silly and goofy and obnoxious and cute and also a little mysterious.  and the kids loved him.  and he made me smile.  and he made me laugh.  but, he was seeing someone. i had just graduated from college.  i was looking for a full~time job.  i was contemplating moving to connecticut with my sister.…

  • today i’m 41

    in june 2014 a baby boy was born, a sibling to the kiddos we were fostering at the time. he was born on my birthday and we were open to having him placed with us if need be. the court placed him with relatives. we thought that part of the story was over, but six weeks later, he came to live with us. in june 2015 we were preparing to lose him. in march i lost my faith. but in june i got it back, even though we made a transition plan for him to leave us. we celebrated his first birthday, and my 39th, and the next day he…

  • tomorrow is mother’s day and all i want is some time alone

    tomorrow is mother’s day and all i want is some time alone to try to process this life i’m living. so i’m at panera. i am sitting here physically on my own, but I’m never really alone. a break is never really a break. time away is never really time away. because they don’t leave my mind, these kids of mine. because they are tethered to my heart. because they are wounded and somehow, some way i’m supposed to be a part of they’re healing. and in the process i’m being wounded too. because i have asked Him many times to break my heart for what breaks His. and He…

  • the twins first birthday

    they were born one year ago today. there was no fanfare. no one was pacing back and forth down the hall in the hospital waiting room. there were no facebook announcements. no parade of family and friends coming to visit. no photographer hired to capture the special moments of their lives entering this world. a day that should have been full of joy turned into a day of chaos. one baby whisked away to the NICU. phone calls with agencies. social worker visits. court papers. they were born a month early. no one was expecting them for at least a couple more weeks. we had no idea they had arrived.…

  • i’ve been here before

    monday august 8th josh found out he won’t have a job after the end of this year.  the bank where he works has been acquired by another bank and the new bank isn’t keeping his position. i’ve been here before. i’ve been here four times. in 2002, right after we celebrated our first wedding anniversary and bought our first home, josh lost his job. in 2006, right before our oldest three kiddos came to us, josh lost his job. in 2010-house, three kids, vehicles, dog-pretty comfy life, josh lost his job. i’ve been here before and here i go again. in 2016-house, vehicles, cancer recovery, nine kids-josh is losing his…