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how do i do this?

on May 10, 2012

mother’s day is Sunday.  it also happens to be the day we celebrate our sixth anniversary as a family.  we talked about this tonight, right before snack time.  six years ago the 13th, the day our little ones came home.

our middle guy said he wanted to talk.  with just me.  i asked him if it was about our family and he said yes.  i offered for all of us to have a conversation over our snack.  nope, he wanted just me.

i asked if it was about them coming home.  yes, kind of.  well, we could all talk about that then.  nope, just with me.

i asked if it was about before they came home and told him that a conversation about that could encourage his brother and sister if we allowed them to join us.  nope, just me, with just him.

the kids finished their snack and up they went to brush their teeth and get ready for bed.  then my boy and i sat together at the dining room table and began to talk. no amount of training, no time spent strengthening my heart, no well rehearsed answers could have prepared me for this, his onslaught of very difficult questions.

“did they want us?”

“why didn’t they do what they needed to keep us?”

“were they mean to us?”

“did they do bad things to us?”

“did they do bad things to other people?”

“did they say goodnight to us?”

“did we have a bedtime?”

“did they get in trouble?”

“were they sad when we were taken?  or were they happy?”

on, and on, and on.

i tried my best to answer, with age appropriate answers.  that’s one of the hardest parts.  i don’t have all the answers.  but the answers i do have,  to an eight year old, don’t make much sense.  honestly, most of it doesn’t make sense to me.  how in the world is he going to understand?  there will be a day when i can let it all out there, when the truth can be known.  but not now.

it took every ounce of strength i had to not completely fall apart.  it’s so hard to look into his eyes and know his heart is broken and his mind is searching for answers.  it’s so hard to know why and not be able to fully tell him.

after talking for about twenty minutes, we needed to head toward him getting to bed.  i took his hands and told him i love him.  and i love talking with him.  and i love that he asks me these questions.  and i love that i get to give him answers.  and i asked if we could continue talking tomorrow.  he said he had one more “small” question, which turned into three questions actually, then i kissed him on the head and sent him on his way.

i stepped into the kitchen and fell to my knees.  i cried so hard i had to cover my mouth so their little ears wouldn’t hear me.  i cried out to my God.  “oh, my God, how do i do this?  why me?  why them?  why does it have to be this way?”

this song has been running through my mind since.

“hungry, i come to You
for i know You satisfy
i am empty, but i know
Your love does not run dry

so i wait for You
so i wait for You
i’m falling on my knees
offering all of me
Jesus, You’re all this heart is living for

broken, i run to You
for Your arms are open wide
i am weary, but i know
Your touch restores my life

so i wait for You
so i wait for You
i’m falling on my knees
offering all of me
Jesus, You’re all this heart is living for ”
(hungry~kathryn scott)

because it’s all about Him and not at all about me.

Comments { 1 }

all i ever have to be

on March 10, 2012

when the weight of all my dreams
is resting heavy on my head
and the thoughtful words of help and hope
have all been nicely said
but i’m still hurting, wondering if i’ll ever be the one
i think i am – i think i am

then You gently re-remind me
that You’ve made me from the first
and the more i try to be the best
the more i get the worst
and i realize the good in me is only there because of who You are
who You are…

and all i ever have to be is what You’ve made me
any more or less would be a step out of Your plan
as You daily recreate me help me always keep in mind
that i only have to do what i can find
and all i ever have to be
all i have to be
all i ever have to be is what You’ve made me

(amy grant/gary chapman)

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an early birthday present?

on June 22, 2011

the kids have VBS this week, 6:30pm~9:00pm.  josh and i have date nights.

tonight we went to sam’s club and then red robin for dinner.  we weren’t craving it, or even really terribly hungry, but we hadn’t been there in a long time.  and we hadn’t had a date night in a long time(aside from last night).  and we don’t know when we’ll have a date night again(we’re not counting tomorrow night).

we sat down.  we ordered.  i wanted to make a quick trip to the bathroom.  on my way i noticed a group of men.  i thought, “that’s nice, they must work together and are just getting dinner at the end of the work day.”  and i then i noticed one of them looked like mac powell, from third day.  without hesitation, i stopped and asked. “are…”, that was all that came out, but i was thinking, “mac powell?  third day?”  and he said, “yes!”

i asked what they were doing.  “finishing our dinner,” mac replied.  “no, what are you doing in town?”  “oh,” he said, “we’re here for the alive festival.”

and i told them how we used to go to alive, every year.  and then we adopted three children and that stopped alive for a few years at least.  and he told me he and his wife have three biological children and two adopted, domestically.  and another band member, tai, just finalized a domestic adoption.

and we exchanged “nice to meet you’s”.  and they told me they’ll be in town again this fall for a concert.  and they suggested we get a baby~sitter and come to the show.  and i told them i was going to let my husband know they were there, but that he wouldn’t make a scene.

and i went to the bathroom.  and in the bathroom i thought, “i should probably ask if i can get a picture.”

and on my way back from the bathroom, i stopped and asked.  and they said sure.  and their manager asked if i could wait a minute so they could pay.  and of course i could do that, so i went back to my seat.

and while i was sitting, and feeling a little nervous, they paid for their dinner.  and some of the guys went to the bathroom.  and the manager went out to their transportation and grabbed a band photo that he brought back in and had them sign.  i watched, from my table, and thought i saw them signing something, but i didn’t want to assume.

and then the manager motioned for me to come over.  and i went.  and josh brought his phone to take a picture.  and the manager took his phone.  and josh got in the picture too.  and we said good~bye.  and they left.

and i couldn’t believe it.

and i still kind of can’t believe it.

they were so kind.  and they love Jesus.  and they’re adoptive dads, some of them.

amazing.

tonight was like an early birthday present.

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’tis so sweet…

on February 28, 2011

to trust in Jesus, just to take Him at His Word.
just to rest upon His promise, just to know “thus saith the Lord”.

our extremely talented worship leader, drew belden, has rewritten this beloved hymn.  the first time i heard it, i admit, i wasn’t so sure about it.  changing a hymn?  yikes.  but, after hearing it a couple of times, i started to like it.  then when the Lord’s will for our lives revealed josh becoming unemployed, the song took on a whole new meaning.

part of drew’s revisions were the addition of some new lyrics.

“You give life and rest Lord.  You give joy and peace.  everything we need Lord, we will find in Thee.”

i began to proclaim this, trusting the promise that everything we’d need, we’d find in the Lord.  i had no idea how we’d continue to pay for our house, our cars, our water, our electricity, our food.  but i knew that God knew exactly how we would.  and i had to believe that with all of me.  He asked me, “do you really believe I am who I say I am?  because if you do, You’ll trust me. and you’ll know I’ll meet your needs.”

“i’m so glad i learned to simply trust in Jesus.”

i did believe that He is who He says He is.  and i became very thankful for learning about Him as a young child.  and that He called me to salvation during that time.  and that faith, while huge, is also very simple.  and that’s all it took.  a simple trust in Jesus.

we sang this song yesterday in church and i was overcome with emotion.  overcome because last year at this time i was just beginning to proclaim the words in faith.  and today i was singing this song because i know it’s true.  i have seen His faithfulness over the past year.  i simply trusted Him and He supplied everything, for every need.

 

 

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advice?

on October 16, 2009

a sweet friend, who is  also walking the painful road of infertility and heading toward adoption, recently shared some of why and how her heart is breaking at this time.  how do we handle the time we missed in the lives of our children before they came to us?  she wondered if i had any advice for her.  i am sharing my response on here because i think it’s important for those of us on this journey to know that there are others of us who do understand.  each of us has our own unique journey to take, but we do share some similar experiences and heartache.

“advice?  oh, i wish i could just take this away from you because i know how painful it can be. it has been all encompassing for me.  i feel a loss for the child i never had and i feel a loss for what i missed out on with the children that i do have.

i, just about an hour ago was sharing with a dear friend that i have spent time over the past 6 years grieving a baby that will never be.  it seems so absurd in some ways, to say goodbye to something i never had.

and, there are many days, and sometimes multiple times a day, that my heart breaks for what i missed with my kids.  sometimes i look at their sweet faces and get so sad because i didn’t know them as babies.  in a lot of ways i can’t even imagine amelia and wilbur as babies because there are no pictures of them before amelia was 3 1/2 and wilbur was 1 1/2.  with orville we have pictures from when he was 2 months so i know what he looked like, but i never held him or bathed him or smelled him.

i know that while i missed so much, i get to be a part of more than anyone else.  who my children become will be because of how josh and i work with the Lord to raise them.  and from the moment they came home, until the moment they return to the Lord(or the moment i do)i am the one they will call mom, the one they’ll cling to when they need something, the one they’ll rejoice with when something wonderful happens, etc. sometimes thinking about all of this helps me, and sometimes it doesn’t.  but, for all i did miss, there is so much i get to see.

this adoption/infertility thing really is crazy.  it is.  it just flat out is.  there are moments it makes total sense and then there are moments where i can’t figure out anything at all.  and somehow, in the midst of all of the craziness, is our God.  the God of the universe.  the God who made me, made josh, made amelia, made wilbur, made orville, made you, made your  husband, made your little one.  He is there.  and He knows exactly what He’s doing.

and while most of me gets that, there’s a big part of me that doesn’t.   and then i remind myself that it really has nothing to do with me.  it’s all about Him.  and in His infinite wisdom, He has a plan that is good for me and josh and amelia and wilbur and orville and you and your husband and your little one.

and most importantly, i know He loves me and i know He loves YOU.  and i know when my heart is breaking and when your heart is breaking, His breaks too.  and He watches us and listens to us and sends people to hold us because that’s what He’d want to do.

if He were physically here i have no doubt that He’d scoop you up into His arms and say, “child, I love you.  I am so sorry this is so hard for you.  I know your heart is breaking.  I know sometimes you struggle to take one more step.  but, trust Me.  lean on Me.   I have a plan for you.  I know it doesn’t all make sense now, but someday it will.  I promise.”  and He’d wipe away your tears.

remember when you shared these jeremy camp lyrics with me?  “there will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears.  there will be a day when the burdens of this place, will be no more, we’ll see Jesus face to face.”

what a journey!

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