• brave

    a few years ago, i chose a word for the year. i can’t remember what year it was. i can’t remember what word i chose. i didn’t choose a word for this year. but at the close of 2015, i feel a word has been chosen for me. my word for 2015 is brave. i got a bracelet. i thought about a tatoo. a bracelet is sufficient for now. at the start of 2015, i didn’t think i’d survive if we had to let our littles go.  but i got to the point where i knew i could trust God and surrender them if He called me to do that.…

  • it is well

      surgery is today.  friday.  the 13th.  the surgeon said it doesn’t bother him to operate on friday the 13th and we don’t want to wait until after thanksgiving, so here we go. i am having a total thyroidectomy, central lymph node dissection, and right modified lateral neck lymph node dissection. basically, they are removing my whole thyroid and all of the lymph nodes in the central part of my neck as well as all of the lymph nodes on the right side of my neck. 4 1/2 hours of surgery time.  estimated. tonight we had dinner with our two boys.  maddie was at a basketball game and the littles…

  • there is no script for this

    two weeks ago i was diagnosed with thyroid cancer. honestly, we thought we already had enough going on. we thought we were already pretty far away from the safety of the shore. we thought we were already deep enough. but apparently not. now we are going deeper. being led farther. there is no script for this. we don’t really know how to feel. this always happens to someone else, but now it’s happening to me. there isn’t really a good way to share this news. there really isn’t a right way. just like the doctor said, “it is cancer”, i’ve been having to say, “i have cancer”. we don’t know…

  • whose he is

    he’s ours. he’s his. he’s mine. he’s hers. he’s His. and His alone. “for You formed my inward parts; You knitted me together in my mother’s womb i praise You, for i am fearfully and wonderfully made. wonderful are Your works; my soul knows it very well. my frame was not hidden from You, when i was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in Your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.” psalm 139:13-16    

  • he’s gone again

    he’s gone again. and it’s not any easier this time around. how long o Lord must my hands be open in this way? how long must i carry this ache in the depths of my heart? i feel stuck. almost paralyzed. almost as if life cannot move on while he is away. but it does. everything just keeps moving forward. he moves forward too. without us. and i have to trust You. more than i did before he left. more than i want to. is that the reason this is happening? is that the reason things change so drastically? so frequently? so we trust You more? so our faith increases?…