no, i don’t.
because lots of things are happening that i’m not sure about.
lots of visits with lots of people.
and i’m not sure any of us are safe in this.
and i’m not sure You’re going to keep me safe.
do You remember when i sang to You
“i lay me down i’m not my own, i belong to You alone”?
i think i want to take that back now.
and do You remember when i asked of You
“Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders,
let me walk upon the waters
wherever You would call me.
take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
and my faith will be made stronger
in the presence of my Savior”?
well, i think i’d like to go back to shore now.
i’m way deeper than i ever wanted to be.
and my faith doesn’t seem stronger.
i actually feel like i’m trusting You less.
because why would You bring them if You might take them away?
because “You give and take away, my heart will choose to say blessed be Your Name”
isn’t something i’m capable of singing or saying or feeling or believing right now.
why the desire for them?
why the van?
why the house?
why was one born on my birthday?
there are 364 other days in the year.
and the sleepless nights.
and the exhausting days.
and the consoling.
and the disciplining.
and the bathing.
and the laundering.
and the every day safety and security of our home.
and to live with a heartache i’m not sure i can bear.
i’ve always had such strong faith.
i want to fully believe You are who You say You are.
but i don’t see this turning out well unless it turns out how i think it should.
i know the truth.
i know it.
i don’t feel any of it.