i can’t do this

i feel like i can’t do this.

this constant opening of my hands.

this constant unknown.

this constant back and forth.

this constant wondering:

do i trust?

do i really have faith?

is it faith enough?

am i strong enough?

i haven’t updated in so long because so much has happened and there is so much i can’t share.  so much i don’t understand.  so much that doesn’t make sense.

it’s been more than three months since our littlest guy has been gone without his siblings and he’s going tomorrow.  for three days.  and there’s nothing i can do. i can’t change it.  i can’t stop it.

i must take him and place him in the arms of one who is a complete stranger to him.  i must get back in my van.  i must drive away.  i must come home and prepare lunch for his siblings. i must hold back my tears so they won’t see them and unlike me, they will believe their baby is going to be okay. i must silence the screams that will want to escape from my aching heart.  i must carry on as if it is a normal day.

i’m starting to feel this way all over again.  and it scares me.

i am crying out, desperately wanting peace in the midst of this suffering.  wanting calm in the midst of this storm.  Jesus, oh Jesus, my cornerstone, please be my strength.

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and for this sweet baby, who is asleep in his crib.  he has no idea what is coming.  no idea where he is going.  no idea where we will be and why we aren’t with him.  please Jesus, please, help him feel Your presence.  give him peace.  calm his heart and mind.  soothe his sadness.  dry his tears.  Jesus please.

 

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