during our meeting i held it together as best as i could. i cried a bit, but didn’t want to let it all start to come out there.
when we left, i told josh i didn’t really want to talk about it yet because i knew i’d fall apart.
we walked to my van and his car. he wrapped his arms around me, kissed me on the head, and told me he loved me. the emotion of it all started to catch up with me and it took a few seconds before i could mutter back, “i love you too”.
i climbed into my giant van and began to cry. the cries grew louder and louder.
“no, no, no, no, no,” i began to almost yell, over and over again as i hit the steering wheel with my fist.
“no, no, no, no, no”.
i started to drive. i was so upset i wondered if i should wait a bit, but i didn’t want to sit in that parking lot any longer.
i drove and cried and said no so many times.
when i got to our exit on the highway, i felt a sense of calm come over my heart.
three months ago i was telling God i didn’t trust Him.
but on this day, after receiving this heavy and heartbreaking news,
after telling God no,
i was able to say outloud,
“i trust You”.