i'm just…sad

i get this way sometimes.  it usually happens when i am feeling overwhelmed with, well, everything.  mother’s day is right around the corner.  the 3rd anniversary of the day our kids came home is just around the corner.  and i, am sad.  sad.

sounds ridiculous.  feels ridiculous.  why?

i should be so happy.

i have three kids.  adorable kids.  amazing kids.  resilent kids.  but, they are also kids who really annoy me sometimes.  kids who don’t listen.  kids who don’t use our home the right way.  kids who don’t use their toys the right way.  kids who talk back.  kids who don’t respond when spoken to.  kids who don’t answer when asked a question.  kids who talk with food in their mouths.  kids who drop their food on the floor.  kids who spill their drinks.  kids who talk too loud.  kids who talk too quiet.   kids who…the list could go on and on.

and though these kids are “mine”, they also feel like complete strangers to me.

and it makes me…sad.

i didn’t make them.  i don’t know them.  there’s no part of me in them.  they are foreigners in my home.  and i am a foreigner as their mother.  and yet, we are a family.

and it weighs heavily on my heart.  and it weighs heavily on my shoulders.  and i want to do better.  and i want to be better.  and sometimes i just feel like i can’t.  sometimes i feel like a foreigner to myself.  i am not the self i wanted to be.  i am not the mother i wanted to be.  i am not the mother i wanted my children to have.  and i am not supposed to talk about this.  because, what we have done is so wonderful.  and our family is so cute.  and people have no idea how hard it is to be our family.

and it makes me…sad.

7 Comments

  • Brit Chambers

    Ditto to the above. Remember always that these ARE your kids. Having experienced “birth” from both sides, I don’t know any more about Holden than I do with the other boys. They are all a mystery!

    But we all share the same Father, which links us beyond anything in the human sense.

    You are great mommy!

  • Katy

    Kirsten, I don’t even know you that well, and I just wish I could give you a big hug. Please extend yourself some grace and allow yourself to be OK with having a whole range of emotions about something as complicated as being a mommy. I’m praying for you, even as I type.

  • bri

    I am sorry that the Devil is coming in to steal your joy! He is ugly!

    These feelings are very normal and no nobody will ever understand unless they are going through it. Even if they do not everyone’s situation is the same.

    They do know you as mommy even on the days it seems like they are foreign. A mommy is not something that is planned it is someone who is grown. You have to grow in a situation together in order to know what kind of mother you WILL be! You still have plenty of time to become that mother you’ve always wanted to be. But remember that each child is different no matter how you have them. So nurture their uniqueness and yours as well!

    Love you friend! You are doing great as their mother even when it hurts!

  • Maggie

    Beautifully honest post, Kirsten. I know that I feel this way from time to time, too. Actually, as much as I love my son and feel he is MY son… there’s always an undercurrent of that “foreign” feeling. It’s attachment and it takes a long time for all of us.

  • jane

    wow. thank you for being so honest….it helps those of us that are years behind you on this path. sharing our emotions/situations allows us to realize that satan is not attacking just us.
    i’m praying for you! often.

  • crystal

    i can relate to everything you just said. i know the feeling of detachment from them and the feeling of frustration with them. and the feeling of not being the kind of mother i want to be to them and feeling like a failure with them. You just helped to put my thoughts and feelings into words thanks for your honesty
    Oh by the way i think you are doing a great job!! Hang in there. we can pray for each other.

  • Lori

    Thanks for your honesty. Being a mommy is hard, harder than we ever imagined. Maybe more so for those of us that went through infertility. Why? Because most of us judged others, said to ourselves if we could just have a child we would be the perfect parent. Maybe even promised God that we would be perfect if he would just give us children. Heck, it looked darn easy from the outside looking in.

    Ya know what? There are no perfect parents, but you are a good mommy. Remind yourself that you can be a great mommy without being a perfect mommy.

    Remind yourself that your family may not be perfect but they are perfect for you.

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