it’s not that i don’t want to. it’s not that i can’t. it’s just that i don’t know how.
it’s awkward. to say the least.
i’m infertile. infertile.
i’ve never been pregnant. therefore, i’ve never been in labor. i’ve never given birth.
when someone talks to me about pregnancy or childbirth my mind is flooded with thoughts.
“do they know i’m infertile?”
“do they remember i’m infertile?”
“are they really talking to me?”
“what do they expect me to say?”
“can they tell i’m uncomfortable?”
“will they walk away and wonder what was wrong?”
“will they see through me? will they know that i’m pretending to be interested, but really i’m just wondering why in the world i’m a part of this conversation?”
“what would they do if i started to cry?”
“what would i do if i started to cry?”
“where’s my husband? he knows this is hard for me.”
“where’s a friend? i need to hold someone’s hand.”
“does anyone understand?”
“we’re in a room full of people, why do i have to talk about this?”
“does anyone think before they come to me with a story of someone’s possible pregnancy? confirmed pregnancy? labor and delivery story?”
i don’t want to be avoided. i just wish women like me were more understood. i wish there was some consideration. just a little. for those of us who just really don’t know how to talk about this.