i’m sorry, but i don’t really know how to talk about this

it’s not that i don’t want to.  it’s not that i can’t.  it’s just that i don’t know how.

it’s awkward.  to say the least.

i’m infertile.  infertile.

i’ve never been pregnant.  therefore, i’ve never been in labor.  i’ve never given birth.

when someone talks to me about pregnancy or childbirth my mind is flooded with thoughts.

“do they know i’m infertile?”

“do they remember i’m infertile?”

“are they really talking to me?”

“what do they expect me to say?”

“can they tell i’m uncomfortable?”

“will they walk away and wonder what was wrong?”

“will they see through me?  will they know that i’m pretending to be interested, but really i’m just wondering why in the world i’m a part of this conversation?”

“what would they do if i started to cry?”

“what would i do if i started to cry?”

“where’s my husband?  he knows this is hard for me.”

“where’s a friend?  i need to hold someone’s hand.”

“does anyone understand?”

“we’re in a room full of people, why do i have to talk about this?”

“does anyone think before they come to me with a story of someone’s possible pregnancy?  confirmed pregnancy?  labor and delivery story?”

i don’t want to be avoided.  i just wish women like me were more understood.  i wish there was some consideration.  just a little.  for those of us who just really don’t know how to talk about this.

4 thoughts on “i’m sorry, but i don’t really know how to talk about this

  1. Oh, Kirsten–I hear you. Maybe not on that exact topic, but I can relate in my own way. As I go through life, I am realizing more and more that most of us have *that topic* that is hard and awkward for us. I’m actually glad that I’m not the only one who has that inner monologue during those tough conversations. Sometimes I think, “Other people have things that are hard for them, but they just buck up and deal with it. They don’t continue to struggle like I do.” But that’s just not reality. Sometimes I wish I had blinders like a horse so that I could see only my path and wouldn’t have to worry about anyone else’s! Anyway, enough babble. All that just to say… love you!

  2. I hate that you have this conversation within yourself, although, sometimes, I feel better knowing I’m not the only one with a crazy voice inside my head 🙂

  3. People can be very insensitive and I don’t even think they know they are. I remember being part of a conversation with co-workers about having kids. Numerous times I had to hear how they would never want an only child because they are so selfish and spoiled. If they only knew the amount of prayers, time, money and disappointments we had to go through maybe they would not be so judgemental. I am sorry people do not think before they speak.

  4. I won’t pretend to understand… But maybe when that happens, you can pretend I’m standing there holding your hand. I would like to be. I hate for you to be reminded..to live this pain.

    I hope I’ve never hurt you that way. I think about your struggle more than I would like to tell you. I love you my sweet dear friend.

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