God seems to ‘get’ me in the strangest places sometimes. He is sneaky that way. or is He? i have a suspicion it’s planned. He knows when i am vulnerable. He knows when i am going to be open to His speaking to me.
last night in the shower i was thinking about meeting the kids. still can’t wrap my brain around it. i started to pray, thanking God for His faithfulness, for keeping us sane on this journey. i started to sing (surprise), “so You were in it after all…all of those moments i spent crying, when something inside of me was dying…You had a reason for those trials it seems i grew stronger every mile…so You were in it after all…taking the blows that i’d been given, mending the wounds that needed mending…You were with me when the sun was shining and You were still beside me when it rained…so You were in it after all.” larnelle harris
i started to cry. He’s been here the whole time. i have known that the whole time. but, to look back at the times i spent standing in the shower crying, saying, “God, what are You doing? why me? why us? where is the end? when do we get to see what’s unfolding here?” to times like last night when i cry and say, “duh! You’ve been here, working Your magic like only You can do.” He continues to amaze me.
this morning i went grocery shopping. it was very much needed. josh went a little last week, but only for things i needed for my sickness. seems like every day last week i needed something new. i went to marc’s. i try to do most of our shopping there. if you have one near you, you should go. the prices are great!
standing in line, starting to place my items on the counter for check out, i started to cry. “i am going to be a mom,” i thought. i tried really hard to fight back the tears. don’t want to freak out the check out lady. a few managed to fall, but i wiped them away quickly. i wondered if it would be so bad if she saw me crying. i was crying for a good reason. i am sure it will happen again and maybe that time i’ll be caught.
on the way home i was singing again, along with sara groves. her new album has a song called rewrite this tragedy. i sometimes think of the lives of our children as a tragedy. that sounds really bad. let me try to explain. they were born to people who would never be able to take care of them. people who aren’t healthy physically or mentally. people who weren’t taken care of and in turn, they have no idea how to take care of others. that’s a tragedy.
God steps in (yes, He’s really been there the whole time, knowing this tragedy was occurring) and it’s time for Him to rewrite the tragedy. He cues us and uses us to begin the rewriting process. He takes away our ability to birth children. He puts adoption on our hearts. He teaches me how to care for more than one child at a time. He allows us to consider adopting more than one child at a time. He takes away what we had planned and implants His plan instead. so now…
i am excited. i am scared. those seem to be the two words that best fit my emotions right now. oh yeah, and overwhelmed. but, i can’t stay where i am. i have to move forward. i am continuing to step out in total faith. the story is still being written. the tragedy is still being mended. i need to play my part.