living in my greatest fear

my greatest fears

1. snake bite

2. shark attack

3. one of my children being kidnapped

4. becoming a foster parent again and having one of the children leave after i’ve completely fallen in love with and become extremely attached to them

i’m fumbling through fear number four.  the weight of it often hits me as i make my way up the stairs and round the corner to our bedroom.  i’ve nearly collapsed several times.

foster care is meant to be temporary.

reunification is almost always the goal.

potential heartache is inevitable.

but Jesus calls us to follow Him, so we do.

i had a meeting this week, making a transition plan for our littlest man. a three day visit this weekend, which we’ve done before.  a five day visit for next week.

five days.

my heart is breaking.

our days are numbered.

the pain of that reality is sharp.

i don’t know how i’m continuing on in this everyday.

i think it’s got something to do with wanting to be obedient to my Father.  but this is not obedience of my own will.  i think it’s got something to do with Jesus living in me.

i’ve asked Him to break my heart for what breaks His, and He is.

he fell asleep in my arms the other night, right after finishing his nighttime bottle.  i didn’t want to put him in his crib.  i held him for 45 minutes.  when i finally laid him down, i stumbled to our bed and wept.  i cried myself to sleep.

i’m trying to take in as much as i can.  to smell him, to memorize the feel of his little body being held in my arms, to listen to his breathing right after he falls asleep, to video his babbling so we won’t forget what it sounds like, to feel his hand rest on top of mine and his other hand rest on my cheek as i feed him his bottle.

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this love is big.

i don’t want to let go.

 

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