we just finished dinner. josh is at soccer. the boys are playing memory in the living room. amelia is doing her homework at the dining room table. i am sitting with her, helping her when needed.
i don’t feel like a mom. at least not the way i thought i would feel when i used to think about being a mom. i feel somewhat disconnected, like this is someone else’s life. and then i thought, “maybe this is how it’s supposed to be.”
maybe every mom feels this way. maybe they don’t. in some ways it’s like how i feel about being an adult. every time i drop my second grader off at school i think, “how is it possible for this 17 year old kid to be trapped in the body of an almost 34 year old? and i am dropping an 8 year old off at school? i am not old enough, mature enough, responsible enough to be doing this. this is crazy!”
i often wonder if my disconnected feeling is due to me being an adoptive mother. i often wonder if i’d feel more connected had i birthed my children. and then i think, “maybe this is how it’s supposed to be.” and then i remind myself that it is supposed to be this way. that God ordained for it to be this way. that He made me, made my children, and then in His sovereignty, formed us into a family.
so i sit here at the dining room table, blogging and helping my second grader with her math homework. and while i don’t know how i should feel, i do know this: i wouldn’t want anyone else helping her(except maybe josh if he was home) and i am helping her because God made me her mother and i love her.