35 years old. me.
oh. my. word!
how did this happen?
35 seems like the real deal. 35 seems like an adult age. but i don’t quite yet feel like an adult.
about 15 or so years ago, i was babysitting for a family whose mom was around 35. they had a house, three kids, and a mini~van. and she seemed so grown~up to me. now i have a house, three kids, and a mini~van, but i don’t think i seem that grown~up.
this day has been coming, for 35 years in fact, and i’ve been approaching it from two camps. camp dread and camp bold.
camp dread locks me into regret. i’m 35. i’m out of shape. i bite my nails(oh the shame that comes with typing that). i don’t have enough patience with my children. i don’t have enough patience with my husband. i don’t love any of them really, really well. i’m not the best friend i could be to my best friend. i lack self~confidence. i’m too introverted. i don’t always follow through with what i say i’m going to do(hence being out of shape and biting my nails). i have lots of unfinished projects. i’m fairly unorganized. i’m not as involved as i should be at church, at school. i spend too much time with people who hurt me with their words and inaction. yes, inaction. and i let their words and inaction take a toll on my mind, my heart, and my joy. i don’t celebrate enough, my salvation and what God has called me to do on this earth. i don’t spend enough time in the Word. i don’t always practice what i preach(especially with my children). Jesus isn’t always my everything.
camp bold gives me freedom. it reminds me that i am a child of God, the creator of the universe. my Heavenly Father made me. made me. knows me, inside and out. knows my camp dread, and encourages me to come over to His side. camp bold helps me approach 35 boldly. i can’t go back and change anything that has happened before today. but, i can start today, to make change.
i’m learning to speak up. i’m learning to put boundaries in place. and to keep them there. i’m learning i don’t have to do what makes everyone else happy. i am learning to do what needs to be done for my family and myself. i’m learning to celebrate who i am, who God made me to be. i’m learning that i can try again to get in shape and to stop biting my nails. i can try again to get organized. i can be more involved at church and at school. i’m learning that it’s okay to admit my faults, boldly, openly. i’m learning to embrace more the need to let go of myself and my tendency toward selfishness, and to more fully embrace Christ and the way He selflessly lived, and died.
and i’m coming to the understanding that 35 is good. that much has been accomplished in these past 35 years. and that every day i am who He has made me to be.