the one thing i know

years ago, before adoption.  before we met our kids.  before we had heard about our kids.  before we knew we were going to adopt. before i had(at that time) come to terms with my infertility.  before most of this, the Lord reminded me of the only thing in my life that i know is certain.

i had season tickets, along with a group of girlfriends, to a broadway series of shows in a local theatre district.  we would meet, carpool to dinner, walk to the show, and have a great time.  one night i had to work a little later so i drove to the restaurant alone.  during dinner the conversation turned to motherhood.  “be strong,” i thought.  “it’s okay.  your heart can do this.  be the big girl.  smile.  giggle.  hide your tears.  hide your sadness.  besides, you’re the only one here without children.  you can’t expect them to not talk about their children.”  so i played along, like i was okay.  and they complained.

they complained about being pregnant.

they complained about giving birth.

they complained about late night feedings.

they complained about their children being sick.  disrespectful.  whiney.  needy.  clingy.  messy.  busy.  etc, etc, etc.

they complained about being mothers.

right in front of…….my face.

we went on to see the show.  you know, to this day, i don’t remember what it was.  because, although it was enjoyable, i was consumed with sadness.  i was surrounded by people who had what i wanted.  and they didn’t know i wanted it.  and they didn’t care that they had it.  and it nearly broke me into pieces.  i couldn’t wait for the show to end.  for us to walk to our cars.  and for me to be alone.  i needed to be alone.  i needed the Lord to speak to my heart.

my solitude finally came.  after a few minutes of being quiet and getting through the downtown area onto the highway, i turned on some music.  sara groves, the one thing i know.

“and the clouds just parted on a corner of my life
and i can see for miles
and the things i was stuck on
things i thought would never change
they just broke open wide

this is the one thing i know
You said You won’t let me go
You said You won’t let me go
You’ve done a good work in me
and You won’t quit ’til i’m free

and the veil just lifted
i can finally understand
the way You work in me
but even if  didn’t
You are still a sovereign God
Who has a plan for me

this is the one thing i know
You said You won’t let me go
You said You won’t let me go
You’ve done a good work in me
and You won’t quit ’til i’m free

it’s good to know You work with hurt and broken souls
that you’ll take a soul like mine
in all the world nothing’s taken hold of me like Christ

this is the one thing
this is the only thing
You are the one thing
You are the only thing

this is the one thing i know
You said You won’t let me go
You said You won’t let me go
You’ve done a good work in me
and You won’t quit ’til i’m free”

the Lord was speaking to my heart.  piercing it actually, with His truth and His love for me.  “this is the ONE thing i know, YOU said YOU WON’T LET ME GO.  YOU said YOU WON’T LET ME GO.”

over and over again i said it.  through tears.  sometimes barely audible.  sometimes almost screaming.  i kept saying it.  and saying it.  and saying it.  “YOU said YOU WON’T LET ME GO.  YOU WON’T LET ME GO.  YOU WON’T LET ME GO.  YOU WON’T LET ME GO.  YOU WON’T LET ME GO.”  and He wasn’t.  and i could feel Him.  and that was such an important time in my journey.

this morning i had “Muffins for Mom”  at amelia’s school.  “Muffins for Mom”, and that mom is me.  and it’s hard. and i complain.  yes, i complain.  i have been given a huge gift and i do the very thing that broke my heart years ago.  the only difference is, i think  i am more aware of who i am complaining around.  though that doesn’t make it any better.

i am having  a hard time right now.  a really hard time.  i am searching through myself, trying to understand some things i have been thinking and feeling related to my infertility and adoption of my children.  it’s rough stuff.  feelings i am ashamed to be feeling.  things i am ashamed to be thinking.  but, i know it’s part of my journey and something i need to work through.

the boys and i had lunch with a good friend at chick-fil-a.  we had a great time.  all went well.  i dropped the boys off at school and turned on the faithful iPod.  i chose to listen to some sara groves, of course.  “the one thing i know.  what the heck, haven’t heard it in a while.”

tears.

one hand lifted in praise.  the other wanted to go up too, but one of them had to hold the steering wheel.

tears.

tears.

“really Lord.  wow.  and the veil just lifted.  i can finally understand the way You work in me.  but even if  didn’t, You are still a sovereign God Who has a plan for me.  this is the one thing i know, You said You won’t let me go.  You said You won’t let me go.
You’ve done a good work in me and You won’t quit ’til i’m free”

He took me back to that time years ago.  He showed me that even though it’s a different time now and i am in a totally different place, He’s still doing the same thing.  He’s holding me.  and He won’t let me go.

He won’t let me go.

HE WON’T LET ME GO.

HE WON’T LET ME GO.

HE WON’T LET ME GO.

HE WON’T LET ME GO.

7 Comments

  • Diana

    One more thing to remember is that you are not alone in this journey. Not only is Christ there to support and heal you, but so are other people. I, personally, am very thankful for modern technology that allows us to connect with each other with the click of a button – something that would otherwise have been impossible even just a few short years ago.

    I, too, have had experiences similar to this. I know very well those lonely times when everyone seems to be complaining and taking their precious gifts for granted. But you know what? I complain now, too…and I am also still bugged when people who have no idea how difficult the parenthood road really can be for some of us continue to whine about it. Most of them have absolutely no clue how hard it really is for some people to actually get kids here AND they have absolutely zero clue about what hard really is or what tired really is. Whining about normal kid stuff (and then trying to make it equal to traumatized kid stuff) still feels like fingernails on a chalkboard.

    I’m glad you shared your heart today. It makes me feel a little less weird and a little more like the “normal” and “real” mom God intended for me to be.

    There’s a great blog out there that is meant to be shared with all adoptive families. If you haven’t already found it, check it out. http://adoptionconnect.blogspot.com/ The lady that runs it has some awesome insights and also often has various people guest blog for her. Her goal is to talk about all those issues that people are often too afraid to talk about otherwise. Her most recent post is very good!

  • Katy

    Thank you Kirsten. Jon and I went through infertility before having Grace, and I am right there with you. I cried on more than one occassion over the comments that my friends w/ kids made… and I complained about the same things after I had kids… and at times have even questioned our determination to get pregnant. Thank you so much for sharing your heart.

  • Amanda

    Kirsten….it is always a blessing for me to be able to connect with others who face infertility issues. Dan and I went through it….with both of us having problems. At the time we were in the thick of it, my heart was bleeding with the pain of it all, and it felt like every single person around me was pregnant. I can’t even count the times I heard, “And we weren’t even trying!” or “We decided to try this month and now we’re pregnant”. I envied their luck, while wondering the big WHY of it all. Why do some of us face this painful issue? Do people really understand the strain it puts on every aspect of your life? Our marriage…my faith in God…was so severely tested. I know we came out of it stronger though, thanks to friends and a lot of prayer. 🙂 Our little girls are a daily reminder of our journey, and I am so grateful for it. Thanks so much for sharing your story. I think infertility is something that people should be aware of….not some dirty secret we don’t talk about. I am not ashamed of it. It has helped shape me into who I am right now.

  • Allison

    I’m not sure if I have ever commented before. Have been reading for a while now. Been there, we have had our moments of sad times and trying to understand the family God wants us to have. We are fairly early in the process of foster to adopt (siblings placed with us in Nov). It sure is an emotional process, with many ups and downs. All I know is God is with us, and He won’t let us go. We can’t even imagine our lives without these beautiful children (hopefully we will never have to). Thanks for sharing your journey!

  • bri

    Kirsten.. You are amazing woman! God is holding on to you very tightly! He delights in you and will indeed NEVER LET YOU GO!

    I know that pain as well and my heart aches for you and all other women experiencing this road. I also pray for the day that people will start getting a clue as to when to be sensitive to others facing their complaints.

    I have always felt like a sore thumb places because of the conversations the women around me were having. What else is there to do. I had nothing to say.

  • jane

    i find myself constantly reminding myself to allow Him to carry me. different stuff, same need. You have NO idea how much we are struggling similarly. together. today. this week. this month. this season.
    satan loves to tell me that i won’t be able to do the job of mother hood (when/if DSS finally does come through!) satan reminds me of all my inadequacy and how i’m not able to do______ . satan is the root of all my negative thoughts and actions. Jesus is the giver of all my joy.
    love, hugs and prayers to you.

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