it’s almost time to leave to pick up the kids.
the reality is, i don’t want to do this.
i feel slightly ill, like i might throw up.
i want to run. i want to run far away. aruba sounded good until a friend told me she thinks of canada when she thinks about running. you can drive there. duh! why am i thinking of a place i’d have fly to?
i want to stay comfortable.
i want to stay safe.
i want life to stay easy.
i don’t want to have children in my home for the next 18+ years. i thought i’d have them all out of the nest in the next 10 or so.
i want simple.
i want clean.
i want orderly.
i want free time, me time.
i want to not know the need.
i want to not see the need.
i want to not feel the need in my heart.
i want someone else to say they’ll do this so i don’t have to.
i am scared out of my mind.
so why don’t i say no?
so why don’t i just quit?
i can’t. i just can’t. Christ’s love compels me.
“if we are “out of our mind,” as some say, it is for God; if we are in our right mind, it is for you. for Christ’s love compels us, because we are convinced that one died for all, and therefore all died. and He died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for Him who died for them and was raised again.” 2 corinthians 5:13-15
i am compelled.
Jesus, this is all for You.