the truth about how it is over here

i invited women from our church over to our home tonight. women who are foster and/or adoptive moms. i invited them over because i’ve been doing this thing for a few years now and i’ve learned quite a bit. and i felt the Lord was leading me to get these ladies together so we could start to connect and support and encourage one another.

company at 8:45pm means littles in bed at 8:00pm. right before 7:00pm things were getting a little out of control. some of it typical kid stuff, some of it because all of our kids are working through their trauma. at around 7:05pm i started to fall apart too. i yelled, at everyone. i slammed the microwave. i slammed the baby gate. i stomped up the stairs yelling, “what the heck is wrong with you people? i am so nice to you! i do everything for you! and you’re all so mean to me!” and in my head i’m thinking, “what the heck is wrong with you? you’re the adult! you’re the mom! get it together!”

at 7:15pm, as i sat and rocked a screaming, raging child, i posted on our group’s facebook page that i needed to cancel tonight and that we needed prayer. and i wondered, “do i just need to rush to get the kids to bed and put on a happy face? is this satan trying to distract me so i don’t host these women tonight?” i had after all actually made a plan of what to talk about with them.

i was thinking today about thanksgiving~giving thanks~since Thanksgiving day is just around the corner. after reading some verses about it i found this from https://www.biblegateway.com/

funny thing is, i am not always rejoicing. i am not always praying. i am not always giving thanks. do you know what comes after these verses?

“for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.”

yep. right there. this is His will for me as i am in Christ.

here’s how this goes for me. i am not rejoicing in my circumstances. i’m not even praying about them sometimes. i am not giving thanks. and here’s why. i’m mad. i’m mad it’s all gone this way. i’m mad my kids were hurt. i’m mad their birth parents were hurt when they were kids. i’m mad that there’s sin that allows people to hurt one another, to hurt children. i’m mad it’s not easier over here. i’m mad we aren’t further along. i’m mad my parents aren’t involved. i’m mad that i wasn’t good enough for them, and that i’m still not.

i’m mad we don’t have more people involved in our kids lives on a regular basis. people who say they want to get involved, and then they actually do. i’m mad this story looks so cool from the outside, but on the inside it’s a big mess. i’m mad that i don’t understand why this story was written or why it’s going this way. i’m mad that i mess up. i’m mad that i don’t have myself more together after all these years. i’m just mad about so many things, and i’m sad, and sometimes i have a toddler fit about it.

before my fit tonight i came up with this list that i wanted to share with the women who were going to gather at our home.

Reasons to be thankful for Foster Care…

-it helps us follow Jesus.

this is the first verse that comes up when you search “follow Jesus” on Bible Gateway.

this is what i wanted. i wanted to follow Him. i asked Him to do what needed to be done so i would be able to follow Him. and it’s killing me. i’m dying a slow and painful death everyday, to myself. to my preferences. to my control. to my desires. to my plans. He rescued these children and saw fit for me to parent them. and in rescuing them, He is rescuing me. He is sanctifying me. and it hurts.

so i share this. i share this truth, this glimpse inside of what goes on behind the scenes of this 11 person family with a really cool story. it’s not always pretty. in fact most of the time it’s not. i’m not sharing to get people to feel sorry for me or for people to tell me i’m not doing that bad of a job at this gig. i share it because this is hard. this story is hard. because following Jesus is hard. and those of us who have followed Jesus into foster care and adoption, we need you to pray for us as we daily take up our crosses to follow Him.

“i wanna lose myself to find You.”
~toby mac

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