the day before yesterday, we celebrated mother’s day.
and yesterday we celebrated our children’s homecoming day.
i celebrate being a mother. their mother.
i celebrate them. their lives. their joining our family.
but, i also mourn.
i mourn our infertility.
i mourn my expectation of what life was supposed to be.
i mourn the combination child-part josh, part me.
i mourn our children’s beginnings.
i mourn their loss
i mourn their separation from their birth parents.
i mourn for their mother.
i mourn the broken and hurting heart she’s had to carry for so many years.
she’s my absent partner. she grew our children. labored over them. birthed them.
now i am raising them. laboring over them. growing them.
these special, but strange days come from a lot of brokenness.
broken dreams. broken families. broken hearts.
and all of that brokenness mixes with joy.
joy from family. joy from love. joy from happy hearts.
joy from dreams coming true. seeing God’s plan unfold.
joy from knowing He knit our family together.
joy from knowing the brokenness is being redeemed.
my boys and i had a night out last week.
one of our activities was to create a family crest. we talked about the character of our family and what’s important to us.
here’s what my boys had to say about our family.
wilbur: we should have a lion on the crest, for bravery.
me: what about our family is brave?
wilbur: in adoption. we are brave of adopting people.
me: that’s great buddy. wow! what do you think orville?
orville: we should put a lion because we have courage. we have courage that God will help us.
me: yes, He will. oh, you sweet boys.
me: what else is important to us?
orville: Jesus and His dying on the cross.
wilbur: family. kids.
orville: our food.
wilbur: we should also draw a car with two extra kids in the back.
so the boys drew pictures of lions and cars and a cross and a family with a mom , a dad and five children.
and around the crest i wrote their words:
-we have bravery in adoption-we are brave of adopting people-we have courage because God will help us-
Jesus is important to us and His death on the cross-family is important to us-kids are important to us-
this is who we are.
a whole family made from many fractured parts.
for His glory.
so i forged ahead in to mother’s day carrying my heavy and confused heart. i smiled and said thank you when i was wished a happy mother’s day, but i wondered if any one thinks about how strange the day might be for me and other moms like me. i shed some tears. i wrestled with the tangled mess of emotions. i rested in God’s plan. trusting it’s for my best. for my children’s best.
we took lots of pictures. actually, i took lots of pictures of them. trying to capture their smiles and giggles and joy. not until they were ready for bed did we take pictures together.
and last night we went out to dinner and then played a game of uno at home.
we played until we were all out.
i came in last.
we went to bed and woke up to a new day today.
the tangled mess of emotions is still with me.
it never leaves.
i know that one day, it will all make sense.
one day, i’ll understand.
for His glory.