when life was easy

today marks 2 months since the littles moved in.  seems like it’s been longer than that.

the littlest little, 18 months old now, was up at 5:30.  he didn’t go back to sleep.  he had a drs appt at 8:30 so we left at 8.  he fell asleep in the car.  of course he did.

josh stayed home with everyone else, bless that man, because i thought it would be easier for me(duh!) to take just one for this first appt with our family pediatrician.

everything went just fine.  he was a happy guy.  didn’t enjoy getting his tummy checked too much, or his shot.  but other than that, he was giggly and chatty.

i wasn’t fine though.  i’m just this big mix of emotions.  it’s the strangest thing to have three fairly light brown children but to now be carrying around a child that is actually brown.  not light brown.  brown.

and it’s strange to be snapping up his cute onesie romper outfit that’s navy blue with yellow submarines while he’s laying on the exam table and i’m asking him, “will i know you when you’re big?  do i get to see you grow up to be a strong man of God?”  i started to cry and as i wiped away my tears i whispered, “please Jesus”.

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we made our way home, he slept most of the way, only to swap him from the car seat in josh’s car to the seat in my van.  everyone filed out of the house and into the van so we could head to a visit.  when our boys and i returned home, i sighed as i saw only their two pair of shoes inside the door.  “oh, this is so simple” i thought, “when these were the only shoes that were here, life was so easy.”

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why did i not recognize it when life was easy?  i thought having my three kiddos was hard, but this, this business of having six, it’s hard.  i imagine six kids in general would be hard, but when you have six with difficulties from being abused and neglected, it’s hard.  and when three of those kids have only been with you for two months, it’s hard.

and i want easy.  i want easy, easy, easy, easy.

but i wouldn’t go back.  i wouldn’t go back to just three.  i couldn’t, now that they are here.

i’ll continue to trade the easy for the hard.  the tired for the well rested.  the quiet for the loud.  the clean for the messy.

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